Visitation Rights

by submission
March 7th, 2011

Author : Andrew DiMatteo

“Hey there Col! I haven’t seen you in a while. How have you been?”

“Honestly? Things have been pretty crazy.”

“Come to think about it, I seem to remember Bill saying something happened between you and Deb… is everything ok?”

“Not really man. Deb and I split up.”

“Jesus Col, I’m truly sorry – I had no idea. What about your kids?”

“She got the whole enchilada Ed. Full custody.”

“That’s terrible. Is there anything I can do to help? I have a cousin who’s a counselor, maybe he can offer some advice…”

“Naw, it’s cool. This new thing I’m doing is really helping.”

“What is it? Therapy or something?”

“You could say that… Ed, you ever hear of the ‘many worlds’ theory?”

“Sorry, but I can’t say that I have.”

“No worries man, few have. Basically, some scientists came up with this theory that says every single thing that possibly could happen, has happened, and all the outcomes exist in, like, parallel universes.”

“I don’t really see how that’s a thing you can do per se.”

“I know, I know, gimme a chance to explain. It all started when I saw this ad online. This guy claimed that he could teach you to ‘jump’ your consciousness into your selves that exist in these parallel universes; that you could come back with all these totally awesome skills and knowledge that your other, better selves had acquired in those other worlds. Now I know what you’re gonna say: Waste of money. A scam. Something for new age wackos. But see, I was pretty rock bottom at this point. I figured any world had to be better than this one, and maybe I could find one where I got the kids, so I shelled out fifty bucks and bought the DVDs.”

“And?”

“And it worked.”

“What?”

“Yeah, it totally worked. The real kick in pants was that as it turns out, this is the best universe there is for me. I don’t know how many I tried, but it was pretty bad. There was one where Deb ran away with some multimillionaire to Guatemala. Then there was a whole slew where I got hit by a car on the way to the custody hearing and ended up paralyzed from the neck down. I never got the kids.”

“Now you have me really worried. No more joking around, Col. Let me get you some help. Let me call my cousin.”

“No way, don’t you see? I’m fine! I know this is the best I can do. Whenever I get sad I just pop over into another universe and see how bad it could be – at least here I’ve got visitation rights and…”

“And?”

…

“Col?”

…

“Col, are you OK? Snap out of it!”

“Did… did I just say I’ve got visitation rights?”

“Yes but… Jesus you scared me there! I was sure you had a stroke!”

“No man, I’m fine. Great even! But listen Ed, I gotta jet. Gonna go see the kids.”

“OK, but are you sure you’re alright? At least let me give you a ride.”

“No thanks! Been a while since I walked.”

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