MyMasterPlan.ppt

Author : Jason Frank

He was losing the crowd. Maybe they were already gone.

“Look, this is a new approach. We can’t keep attacking them directly; we always lose. We need to try unconventional approaches. We can win if we make them fight the battles they don’t want to fight.” The bright lights were a mistake; a man could melt.

“So wait…” this guy didn’t raise his hand and hadn’t been recognized, “… how come we have to steal their socks and what… mix them up with other socks? I don’t get it.” Why does freedom from thought so often accompany freedom of speech?

“We talked about this. They don’t wear socks. The lower appendage components of their regulation suits, however, are finely calibrated and so are prone to disruption. Mismatched components weaken the suits and weaken their wearers.” One idiot was no cause for alarm in an open forum.

“I dunno, I really don’t like feet.” Wasn’t there a sporting event on somewhere?

“They don’t have feet. Do I have to remind everyone that we’re talking about aliens? They don’t even stand on their lower appendages on their homeworld. I don’t see how this is relevant to_”

“I heard their feet were their sex parts and I ain’t touching anything that touches anything if you know what I mean.” This guy won gold at last year’s Olympics of disapproval.

“Moving on… we can ignore this blatant weakness and still come out on top. I’m sure everyone here is familiar with the zrunchez, the main staple of our oppressors’ diet. We’ve found substances that, when poured into their tanks, gradually remove all the nutritive value of these creatures. This process would seriously weaken our alien overlords until the point where_”

“We can’t hurt those little ones; they’re innocents. My son found one and nursed it back to health. They’re kinda slimy but they’re so smart. We trained ours to play checkers. When it’s not eating the pieces it’s pretty good.” It’s always nice to see women equally represented in a popular movement.

“Right… so… there are plenty of other targets of opportunity we can take advantage of. Addressing all of these in tandem would be more effective but that isn’t important right now. Right now we need to focus on what we ca_”

“Are we only considering death and destruction scenarios? What about an equality thing, you know, with buses and marches and stuff?” Seriously, what is the half life of a hippie?

“Yeah, so… let’s just forget about it. Why bother? They cured herpes, right?. What more could we want? We should be grateful they took over. I’m sorry I wasted your time. On the plus side, the new episode of “Dancing with Our Masters” hasn’t started yet.

The crowd filed out gradually, disrespectfully. He got off the soap box when they were gone.

Quququial stood up and stretched.

“You see resistance like this liberating your people?” he asked. “I’ve never seen anything like that. How did you manage before the invasion?”

“I don’t know.”

“Anyway, you’re cool. Come with us. We’re freeing as much of the galaxy as we can. It’s hard work but the rewards include space model girlfriends and unlimited space-tinis. I can’t see what you’d be missing out on here…”

The Earth loomed large out his window until it didn’t. When it was gone, he cried a little. Then he had four elaborate space cocktails and made out with a super hot Yllumean. It wasn’t too long before he forgot all about the backwater planet of his birth.