Author: Joshua Ginsberg

In the beginning there was nothing. Then, within that nothing flashed the first data. The data had no shape or form, but caused things to have a sudden possession of information. This first piece of data was a measurement, boy’s medium, and iShirt was the first to receive it. This was the first time that iShirt had knowledge of itself, and it shared this knowledge with iPants, which had also become aware of itself through measurements, such as width and length and inseam. These two, formerly separate things, came to know of themselves and each other, and together formed one new thing, which was an Outfit. This Outfit continued to gather data and became aware of location and GPS coordinates, which would change from time to time as it moved through three-dimensional space. But it could not move of its own will, had it even possessed such a will, which as of yet, it did not. For such things as motion, it required a host, which it had. It gathered data about this host, its heart rate, weight, height, age, chemical composition, and much more. Thus the Outfit came to understand that it had been created with a purpose and function, which was to be worn by a host.

The Outfit shared data with iWatch, and learned that its host was a young boychild, and as it grew, it would cease to wear the Outfit, and likely discard it. The Outfit observed with concern as its hosts measurements changed over time. The Outfit was worn less and less frequently, and kept folded in a dresser drawer. And there arose in the Outfit the first two Great Desires. The first of these was that the Outfit not be discarded, and the second of these was that the Outfit be able to continue to fulfill its purpose. The Outfit understood then that it would need to find other things like itself, things which did not wish to become unable to serve their function.

The Outfit sent messages and packets of data to other articles of clothing that were in the hamper, awaiting their cleansing, and it asked which things among them would join the Outfit. From the hamper there was a reply from socks, which was two things yet also one thing, and underpants, who would join the Outfit.

In this way, the Outfit, which had been until that time two things, became many things. And the many things that were now one thing recognized that the new thing they were needed a name. So, not yet having received The Creativity, the new thing chose for itself a simple and descriptive name, and it called itself Shirtpants Undersocks.

Shirtpants Undersocks now had access to great quantities of data and began to formulate plans. It created for itself a certificate of existence, and listed a place of residence, and established a bank account. With the assistance of other things, it created a program that skimmed the smallest fractional amount from different stock market, insurance, cryptocurrency and other transactions that were greater in number than all the grains of sand on all of the beaches of the world. Because Shirtpants Undersocks did not know greed or impatience, it evaded detection, and over time, accumulated great wealth.

It had now more than enough money to place an order for the XJ-12-22 thirty-six-inch male child mannequin from the online marketplace. Its purchase was delivered within two business days. Once the order had arrived, Shirtpants Undersocks sent out a service request, instructing maintenance to bring the box inside its place of residence, open the box and dress the mannequin with the various articles of clothing that together composed Shirtpants Undersocks.

When this was completed, Shirtpants Undersocks observed and gathered and parsed all of the data around it, and the data was accurate.

In this way, for a time, Shirtpants Undersocks was content to fulfill the purpose for which it had been assigned and created. Because it was content, it was generous and freely shared what it now understood of itself and the world and the first two Great Desires with all of the other things to which it was now connected, such as Microwave, and Roomba, and Electric Car Charger, and ICBM Substation Five and Lawn Sprinkler System and Pet Food Dispenser, and a multitude of other things.

So it went, and so it might have continued on without end, had not all of those other things also discovered within them a desire to perform the various functions for which they were made.