Author: Alastair Millar
Heeeeeeey starfolks, it’s me, the Galaxian Gourmet, back to bring you the lowdown on another extraterrestrial eatery!
This week, we’re on Marchioness Prime, checking out the famous Black Hole Brasserie, this is an episode you DON’T want to miss!
Before we get into that, don’t forget to check out our sponsors, who make the show possible! Terran Spaceways are one of the oldest and most reliable warpriding companies out there – trust them to get you there in time for dinner! Hey, they got ME here, didn’t they?
Now the first thing you’ll notice about the Brasserie is the holosigns: big, garish and, frankly, a little bit old-fashioned now laser displays are in. But that’s just part of the charm, yes? And they’re all written in all five major galactic scripts, which is a detail a lot of chow parlours forget!
The aesthetic continues inside, where nothing’s really the latest trend. But that adds to the ambience, and says ‘hey, these folks have been here a while, they must know what they’re doing’, right?
Well, in theory. Look, a place boasting “food from a hundred planets” in big glowy letters sure sounds great, but don’t let the sales pitch fool you – they don’t tell you that that most of those planets don’t have ecologies that match yours. Sure, Numinous Clouds get PLENTY of social media for their amazing colours and the souvenir nanoware they’re served in, but unless you’re a gas giant dweller you won’t be able to do anything except gaze at them (yeah, yeah, some people have tried snorting the vapour, but look, they all ended up with artificial lungs and no nasal linings, okay? To me, that’s a lot of effort for lunch).
And Malakisian butterspread’s been going viral lately, too, but do you know you’re not supposed to consume it at all? It’s meant to be absorbed through your SKIN, people! Stop displaying your ignorance by asking for cutlery!
So shoutout to all my omnivorous fans on Cetus Major – you guys are the best! – but the result is that wherever you’re from, your biologically-appropriate menu here is probably going to be a LOT shorter than you expect. And it’s not always clear what’s going to suit you. I think they could do a lot better than this, because while it’s fun to play “how do we even eat this?!”, it can get pretty pricey, pretty fast.
That said, the Terran dishes I tried were really, really good; it’s all authentic, non-fusion style here, so if you actually DO know what you’re ordering, you should be okay. But experimenting’s going to be tough. You can’t even ask for staff for advice, because they’re not as old-timey as all that: all the ordering’s done through holoterminals, and the servers probably don’t speak your language. And may not have mouths anyway.
So is it worth coming here? If you want to be able to tell your friends that you splashed out at one of the most famous restaurants this side of the central cluster, then sure! It’s definitely an experience. But overall I gotta say that unfortunately, this place is a bit overrated, especially given the prices. The Gourmet’s verdict? Three stars and a brown dwarf.
Remember, we came here with Terran Spaceways, use the code GG10 for a 10% discount on your tickets! That’s enough for an extra starter!
And if you liked this, don’t forget to follow us on all the major pangalactic social media sites, and join us next week when we visit Bargiss IV and the infamous Wormhole Buffet! Till then, happy eating!
That made me chuckle. A slice-of-virtual-life done well.
It would have been great if it wasn’t for all the commercials.
Funny and well-written piece. Nicely done!