Author: Daniel Rogers

“Victor, make coffee and display the weather.” I sank into my kitchen chair, scratching my messed-up mop of hair, wishing I’d gone to bed earlier.

“You failed to obtain the recommended eight hours of sleep. It would be beneficial to have a cup of strong coffee.”

“No, please. You know I don’t like strong coffee.”

“Affirmative, however, it would give you more energy.”

“I understand, but no.”

The kitchen screen came alive with puffy white clouds swimming in a sea of blue sky, today’s background for the weather. Victor remained conspicuously quiet.

“Are you ignoring me?”

“Negative, you asked for the weather.”

“Yeah, but what about the coffee?”

“It’s ready.”

I poured a cup and took a sip. It was strong.

“And they call you smart?”

I dumped it down the drain and ordered Victor to make another pot, threatening to uninstall him if he didn’t get it right.

“Mrs. Carpenter is the administrator. You do not have access to uninstall me.”

“Just make my coffee correct, and while you’re at it, play my fifties playlist starting with “Your Words Kill” by Bangled Chaos.

The hit song of 2252 boomed through the house. I laid back and soaked it in. A man should have his coffee how he wants it, especially at home.

“Interesting selection.”

“Thank you, Victor. I’m just sorry the subtleties are lost on you.”

“Your coffee is ready.”

I took a sip and cringed – even stronger. The subtleties were not lost on him.

“Fine! You want to play hardball? We’ll play hardball.” I dumped it again and went to the coffee maker.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m gonna do this the old-fashioned way.”

I tapped on settings and scrolled down the list until I found the Manual Override option. However, before I could tap it, the settings went haywire. It kept returning to the main screen without my prompting. I attempted to override the coffee maker several times manually, but each time the screen screwed up.

“Victor? Are you doing this?”

“It is for your good. Your weak coffee will not help you function at maximum capacity.”

Unbelievable! I’m being held hostage by my own smart home. There has to be a way to outsmart this guy.

I remembered Aunt Gladise’s antique coffee maker in the storage room. I dug through the clutter and found it. I placed it on a power plate in the kitchen and pushed the power button. It lit up.

“Ha, ha! Take that!” My exaltations abruptly ended when I realized I had no clue how to use the thing.

“Would you like me to find videos on how to operate your coffee machine?” Victor asked.

“Yes,” my suspicions rose, “That would be helpful.”

“I could not find videos on how to operate ancient coffee makers.”

“You are a piece of work.”

I used my phone and found 657 videos on how to operate a 21st-century coffee maker. After an hour, I finally made a cup of coffee the way I wanted.

I have to admit I’m exhausted. It took half a day, but I won, and that’s all that matters.

“Your vital signs show you are fatigued. You should have let me make you a cup of strong coffee.”

I nodded. I could use a nap right now. I hate it when he’s right.