Author: James Sallis
Head propped against the bed’s headboard, half a glass of single malt at hand, the dying man readies himself for the nothingness that awaits him. He imagines it as a pool of something warm, light oil perhaps, in which he will float lazily out from the banks and curbs of his life, slowly dissolving.
Each time he looks that way, the boy blinks his headlights. Love swells in the dying man then, like tears ready to be shed, tears or love, tears and love, for the boy, for the lost past, for all the sweetness and intractability of it.
She was a knockout sedan, cream over light green. They met at a car swap on town square, Rowley being one of a handful of old towns that hadn’t razed the square to make space for more storefronts. Old town, old square, cars to fit. Tradition’s a fine thing, right?
Hers was beauty to die for. Gentle swells of her body, the crackle of energy from her, the rumble of her low steady voice. They’d sneak out together at night (no one else could ever know, or understand) and go for long drives along the coastline, deep into the apocryphal city.
Wave after wave of memories spill over him, through him. He is becoming ever less a physical presence and ever more a thought with bits of flesh clinging to bone. As with the food he tries and tries again to keep down, there’s nothing to be gained from memories, but they’re what he has. Those, and the boy.
It can’t be easy for the boy, being here, even though it’s all he’s ever known. The road must be calling. He’s in the process of becoming as well. Restless, undiscovered, uncatalogued.
The boy blinks his headlights as the dying man again looks his way. The dying man thinks: Carburetor breathing, generator hit the spark, oil in good condition, got that battery charged.
Two failed marriages and long years of empty rooms have left the dying man with few expectations. Even when they met, the boy’s mother and he, he was well along in years, the yeasty stuff of youth, its passions and promise, its silly hopefulness, little more than tattered memory. The remainder of his days, he’d believed, would pass in solitude. And now he believed it again.
But oh, the stories they told one another! Sitting in bright moonlight atop Chain Hill, or running the curves of West Road with the beach unrolling to one side, mountains at the other, endless sky above them, the whole of the night a single held breath.
His own breath feels now as though it comes from below, as though he’s drifted above his body and is afloat there. The pain he’s lived with for so long – where has that gone?
Emotions, loss among them, are difficult to parse, hopelessly entangled, but the dying man could never find it in his heart to blame her, only to forgive. There had been so little surprise when she left them.
She was made for open roads, motion, speed, distance, not for his world of houses, garages, driveways.
And the boy. He has the boy.
He wonders if loss, the anticipation of it, isn’t built into every consuming emotion, built into passion itself. He wonders if it’s only his slipping from the world that makes room for such grand thoughts.
Will the boy stay once he’s gone, or will the road then lay claim? There’s quite a lot of his mother in him. Somewhere the boy’s very own endless sky awaits him. The dying man thinks: Soon enough they’ll both be gone.