Author: Amanda Marcotte
I feel better now that I am smaller. I am much lighter on my feet. Actually, I don’t have feet anymore. But I figure no pain, no gain!
My fitness journey started after Christmas. I was feeling gross filled to the brim with pie and and chocolate.
So I needed to shrink.
The problem was my husband didn’t understand. He liked me big, a giant.
I figure I could still stand to lose some. I mean have you seen Kim Kardashian lately? She is positively tiny. I fit into the ‘micro’ Versace line. But I want to be just like her and fit ‘nano.’
I think if I could just get to that size I would finally be happy.
But I am doing GREAT. I mean, have you seen my before and after pictures?
My daughter doesn’t live with me anymore. She lives with her dad. I am too small to cook for her and do her giant laundry. She almost stepped on me once and that was when my husband decided they were moving out.
I think they would feel so much better if they lost some weight too.
At one point my gym was a q-tip that I used as a bench press. A nail clipper is a pretty good leg press. I do laps around the tub but I always keep the drain CLOSED.
My husband can’t see me anymore when he brings my daughter for her visit.
They stand at the door and say hello because they are afraid to step on me.
Sigh. I guess there are some things I miss. Like wrapping my arms around my daughter. I didn’t think I would miss vacuuming, but I do. I remember when I wasn’t afraid of ants. Now, I’m terrified.
Before I got too small for my husband to see me, he did try to help me. He’d take me to my appointments in his pocket. I’d wear the cutest tiny outfit to see if he would notice – a flowy blouse, a pencil skirt, and microscopic red kitten heels – and just think if only I was smaller maybe I could win him back.
My husband isn’t sure if I still exist because there’s no way he can find me in the house. I’m a needle in a haystack. The other day he shouted through the house so I could hear he is filing for divorce.
I am very small now. But not small enough. So I decided to become sub-atomic.
Your house doesn’t get dirty when you are sub-atomic. A piece of dust is a planet. The things that live in the dust are fearsome. Pretty gross. It is hard to keep my eye on electrons which appear and disappear. I am starting to see some strings.
But it is mostly empty here.
When nobody knows if you exist, you question whether you do indeed exist. Before my fitness journey I used to feel very small and invisible — now I really am.
I have more energy now that I am smaller. In fact, I am pure energy. My strings are vibrating so fast I can’t even see them anymore. How am I writing this, even? Can a particle put pen to paper? Your brain gets a little funny when it’s just strings.
And then just one string.
Now the string gets taut.
Snap.