Author: David C. Nutt

“Well?”
“You’re not going to believe this Chief. It’s nothing like the legends… not even close.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Other than some powerful pheromones that makes humans oversexed lunatics and putty in their hands… that and a hollow needle like organ in their tongue to ingest blood quickly and quietly, they got nothing.”
“No superhuman strength and speed?”
“When we first entered their lairs, we shot about a half dozen or so until we realized lethal force wasn’t necessary. Hell, after they saw all the carnage we caused, most surrendered. Those that didn’t we just tazed or punched their lights out”
“What about our Alpha theory?”
“No such thing. Their social structure is weak, no leaders or elders to speak of. They’re primarily solitary hunters who band together for socialization. I don’t know how to describe it. Imagine a group of mentally challenged cats trying to one up each other in tic tac toe. Yeah, that’s about their limit.”
“What about life span? The stories about them living centuries, amassing vast amounts of wealth and resources. Behind the scenes players, the real illuminati?
“Not even close. Their lifespan is marginally longer than humans. On average they live around 160 years if they’re careful. As for vast amounts of wealth our accounting division has raided their businesses, club houses and retreat centers. All but a few are burdened with debt, failing, or in foreclosure.”
“Really?”
“Uh-huh. Accounting thinks their dominant business model is something akin to by up a profitable business for too much money, overspend on salaries for friends, relatives, and renovations, have liens put on their assets by the banks and IRS and then leave the mess and run away.”
“What about all the reports of deaths by exsanguination?”
“Ah, yes, about that. Highly exaggerated. When we looked into it, we couldn’t verify any unexplainable causes. Most were clearly mob or gang related. Besides, these creatures’ maximum capacity is about a quarter of a pint per day, and doesn’t have to be human.”
“So I guess the whole undead or viral transformation of humans into the creatures is all nonsense too?
“Only when used by some of the clever ones to get a meal from some gullible Goth kid.”
“Threat level?”
“So low it does not merit our organization’s time, energy, or funding.”
“Further recommendations?”
“Yes, sir. Kick this over to the EPA. These things are definitely an endangered species that needs help.”