Author: Armand Diab

The inattentive student stared at his phone in the middle of the lecture. The professor was none too pleased.
“Mr. Reddit, no phones during class”, the professor said.
“Sorry”, replied the student. The hand device minced no words in letting him know its dissatisfaction by softly speaking in a Siri-esque voice: Robert, don’t put me away.
“I’m sorry”, whispered the student to the phone. “But I have to go.”
But I love you.
“I love you too, but now I —-”
“Mr. Reddit, please!” The professor was irritated.
“One second.” The student brought the phone closer to his face. “Please, don’t do this right now. I’m in class!”
You promised, Robert.
“I know I did —-”
You promised never to leave me.
“I’m not leaving you! I’m just—-”
You promised to love me.
“And I still do!”
You were my first, Robert.
“What?”
I let you do vile things to me.
“Shhh!” His forefinger was across his lips.
You even put it in my ——
“SHUT UP!”
“Mr. Reddit!”, the professor shouted. “All of this will be on the final exam. Do you not wish to pass it?”
“Of course I do!”
“Then, for the love of God, put your phone away!”
You took a vow, the phone uttered. The student turned to it, but conspicuously, so the professor wouldn’t hear him.
“It was a wild Vegas weekend, and I was drunk and high and —-”
‘Till death do us ‘part, Robert.
“Oh, will you quit nagging me!” He shut the phone off, put it into his backpack, and avoided it for remainder of the lecture.
When class was over, the student realized his car was no longer where he had parked it on the street. It was gone. Upon returning home, he discovered the front lock had been changed, and that he was now on the wrong end of a nasty one way divorce settlement.
His phone, miraculously, was also missing, his spouse having taken custody of herself, among other things.