A Robot’s Guide to Empty Nest Syndrome
Author: Shelly Jones
Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a Kin Intermediary Device. Your KID is designed to fill the void when your child leaves home. KID is proven to prevent the loneliness and existential despair of empty nest syndrome.
1) Make sure your KID is fully charged. Your KID comes with a charging port blanket that can be placed on your child’s bed to ease assimilation.
2) KID is programmed to mimic the actions of a typical teen. Choose from any of the twenty-five pre-programmed menu options including: engrossed in social media, rolling eyes, and awkwardly asking for advice. You can also upload unique vocalizations including your child’s sighs, scoffs, and brief phrases to personalize your KID.
3) KID has been designed to recognize and respond to your mood. Check-ins can be scheduled in hourly, daily, or weekly intervals. KID has been scientifically proven to provide mental health benefits such as decreased stress and depression. Press the “emotional support” switch when you want a bonding moment with your KID such as during long car rides or while streaming a favorite show. KID responds to human touch and will provide its owner with a five second hug when prompted. Warning: KID may burn skin if contact is held for too long. Minimal exposure is recommended.
4) When your human child returns from college, KID can be conveniently stored out of sight under their bed. KID can monitor your child’s patterns while they are home on vacation to better simulate their behaviors while they are away. If this feature is not desired, set KID to Sleep Mode for extended periods of disuse.
5) Warning: KID has been designed to protect you, its owner, from possible intrusions or disruptions to your overall safety. Make sure KID is in Sleep Mode if your human child will be doing any of the following: 1) returning home at late hours, 2) hugging you for extended periods of time, 3) lingering at the refrigerator looking for something to eat. KID may interpret these actions as a potential burglary or attack. KID Inc. is not responsible for any potential harm that may come to you or your loved ones by using KID in your home.
Recommended for use by the Minister of Loneliness.
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