Author: Dart Humeston

“Two popular restaurants were closed yesterday while the city health department warned four others.”
Tisha, the television news anchor said, her luscious blonde hair framing her stunning face.

“This despite the city cutting the health department’s budget by 60%,” said Brad, Tisha’s co-anchor. His jet-black hair was short on the sides, but the top towered high like a cumulus thunderhead.

“Despite that, the health department issued 70% more citations and closed 34% more restaurants this year.” Tisha said. “We sent a reporter out to interview Charlie Woods, the director of the health department’s Food Establishment Inspection Division.”

The screen showed the reporter inside Mr. Wood’s office, which consisted of a steel desk with multiple computer screens. He was a chunky older man with bushy eyebrows and a flat nose.
The reporter asked him how with a 60% cut in budget, his division could increase inspections.

“Easy!” Said Woods. “Social media!”

“Social media?” the reporter asked.

“Yeah! After the cuts, we lost almost our entire staff, so we purchased software to assist us.”

He brought up a map of the city’s east side on one monitor.

“See this red square hovering over those streets?” He asked. “That encompasses about a five-block square area. By selecting a restaurant in the area, our software will analyze all photographs uploaded to social media within the last 30 days.

“What?” the reporter asked.

“This program searches every social media platform, and based on the date, time, and location embedded in each image, collects all the images for each establishment.” he said, laughing. “It analyzes the meals using the Cuisine Scope software package and then alerts us when it detects issues with the food.”

“So, you conduct all of your inspections via analyzing people’s photos of their food?”

“You betcha!” Woods replied. “Close to 70% of people take selfies at restaurants, pictures of their family/friends and their food.

“How does this software work?”

“The Cuisine Scope examines every image pixel by pixel to ascertain the temperature of the food and quality based on color, consistency, shape and several other highly technical methods. It also examines the backgrounds in photos analyzing restaurant tables, floors, counters and even the kitchen area for cleanliness. Cooks use social media too!”

This is accurate?”

“Sure! With the hundreds of images examined, it is easy to spot a dirty kitchen counter, a bug on the wall, dishes not being cleaned, illegal electrical connections, and rotten food. In my ten-years as director, this software has proved superior to human judgment. Not to mention restaurant owners can’t bribe the software.”

“Is this legal?” the reporter asked.

“If it is on the wide-open internet, it is legal. Plus, our software always adds five “likes” to any platform we copy the photo from.”

“So, no outside inspectors?”

“Nope.”

“And the software does it all?”

“Hell, it even issues the citations! I just turn it on in the morning.”

“Then what do you do all day?” The mystified reporter asked Woods.

“This!” He said, turning another monitor toward the reporter.

“Angry Birds!”

The reporter said, “Returning to you in the studio.”

Tisha and Brad appeared on screen. Tisha’s lips were parted, and her micro-bladed eyebrows squeezed together.

“Wow, Tisha, you eat nothing without photographing it first!” Brad chuckled. “I wonder how many restaurants you’ve put out of business. Didn’t you eat at a closed restaurant the other night?”

Tisha gave Brad an angry glare and turned back to the camera with an enormous smile, her white teeth framed by her fire engine red lipstick.

“And now, let’s go to sports!” She said.