Author: Brooke MacDonald

COMMS SENDER: David Richard Greene
SUBJECT: Please use your space technology to put my neighbor out of his misery
COORDINATES: 37°38′09″N 113°02′20″W

Dear Aliens,
I’m sure you have some important political business to handle with our world’s governments (which I am not at all affiliated with, by the way), but I was hoping that you might be able to swing by and obliterate my neighbor for me.
His name is Gerald and he is ancient. No teeth, paper skin, and eyes glazed over like those of the little white rat dogs that only grow more hostile as they age. Despite this, he can hear a pin drop from five miles away and will not tolerate what he deems to be “excessive noise” which seems to include doors shutting, turning my TV on, and doing anything at all with my windows open. I hosted a dinner party once and he called the police on us three separate times. The first time was because the chatter was too loud. The second was due to the light classical music we had playing in the background (which you’d think he’d enjoy). The third was apparently because he could hear our cutlery clinking on our plates while we ate dinner, or at least that is what the exhausted officer who was called to my house each time told me.
Before you ask why I haven’t resolved this myself, trust me, I’ve tried. He has the most wonderful home care aide who I have spoken with quite a few times, but it seems he is just as nasty to her as he is to me. She only comes to his house twice a week and those are the only days of peace I get. I think she actively prevents him from harassing me, possibly at her own expense.
I know that we are supposed to respect our elders, but I am at the end of my rope and at this point obliterating him might be the humane thing to do. I mean, he is over 100 years old. Most humans don’t make it past eighty-five. I’d say he has lived a pretty fulfilling life but now he is clearly ready to pass on. I think that whatever alien weaponry of mass destruction you have would make his death quick and painless as opposed to the slow, agonizing, dying-of-old-age death that seems to be coming for him. It would be a mercy, really.
If you’re worried about starting some sort of all-out war, I can personally guarantee this won’t happen. My ex-wife’s brother works down at the courthouse and I’m sure that if anything were to pop off, I could throw some of his weight around. Either way, you’d be doing me, and the world, and Gerald now that I’m at it, a favor.
All I ask is that you use a weapon that will only impact his property. I really can’t afford to repair any external damage to my siding or roofing, and our houses are incredibly close together. Perhaps a laser? I’m not trying to micromanage how you go about annihilating people, but please just keep that in mind.
Thanks!
David Greene