Author: Majoki

Philomena paced the floor of the lab. “It’s the only thing that will do the trick.”

“Quantum bacon?”

“Of course, quantum bacon. What else is going to attract the right kind of scientists to work here?”

“And who exactly are the ‘right kind’ of scientists?” Akira asked.

Philomena smiled her patient and most patronizing smile. “The ones who believe that all souls were created during the Big Bang.”

“Wait. So souls are made of atoms?”

“Of course. But thoughts are not.”

Akira didn’t take that bait. “Philomena, be real. Where is this all heading? Why do we need so many scientists, let alone all the lab space you’ve leased across the country, for a dark matter experiment that sounds like woo-woo mysticism.”

“Franchising.”

“Franchising?” Akira waited. And waited some more. “Franchising?”

“Isn’t it obvious?”

“Not to this theoretical physicist.”

Philomena snapped her fingers. “Exactly why we need a new breed of scientists. We don’t want old stuffy classically trained brains. We need much fresher brains as in B-R-A-N-E-S!”

“So, that’s your play. Brane theory. That we’re a 3D brane trapped inside higher dimensional space.”

“The Bulk.”

“I know the multidimensional jargon, Philomena.”

“But you don’t see the opportunity, Akira. The multiverse. It’s an unlimited market. And we can sell in bulk to the Bulk.”

“Sell what?”

“Quantum bacon. Stellar shampoo. Cosmic trading cards. It hardly matters. In a market so enormous, even low volume sales reap incredible profits. It’s called the long tail and we’ll be wagging ours all the way to interdimensional dominance.”

“Are we physicists or pitchmen?”

“Both. We need to be both. Rutherford, Curie, Einstein, Planck, Bohr, Heisenberg, Fermi. They opened the atomic door with no sales experience, no business plan and all it got them were a few measly Nobel Prizes. When we harness fermions to portal into the multiverse, I want to be ready to capitalize on the infinite possibilities.”

Akira contemplated Philomena and the planes–and now branes–of delirious ambition that drove her.

He only had one answer. “Quantum bacon.”

“Now you get it, partner. Quantum bacon. The taste of the truly infinite future.”