Author: Daniel Wad

“I’ve got to be smarter next time.” That was my firm resolution as I entered the Redistribution Centre in the between-lives area, following a previous life that hadn’t exactly gone well.
A screen descended from the ceiling, displaying rows of sliding digital bars.
“Please set your character scores,” flashed the telepathic prompt.
Learning from past experience, I aggressively slid every single bar as far to the left as it would go, then slammed the ‘Intelligence’ slider all the way to the maximum right. I telepathically clicked Done.
“Please wait,” replied another telepathic message. I don’t know how much time passed. It could have been five minutes or a hundred years; time doesn’t really exist out here.
Finally, the next update blinked into my mind: “Good news. We have located a new body for you. It is on Earth, in the country of Broodia Miserygovina.”
“Earth? Listen, I know that I messed up last time but Earth is a bit harsh.”
“Don’t be picky,” came the reply. “The major plus point is that neither parent has an inheritable terminal condition, so the chance of a stillbirth is relatively low. There is, however, a 67% chance of severe depression in later life.”
“I don’t really have a choice, do I?” I thought.
“No. We are just letting you know to ensure total transparency. However, based on your custom configuration, we can provide a rapid character analysis.”
“Go for it.”
“Your IQ will be in the 140s. This is the sweet spot: high enough that you won’t be able to get along with normal people, but too low to actually become a groundbreaking scientist or a traditionally successful individual. It will allow you to learn a vast array of subjects quite easily at a basic level. However, because your other attributes—such as dexterity, energy, and persistence—are at absolute zero, you won’t progress any further without a lifetime of agonizing practice. In terms of career advice, we suggest trying to survive childhood first, then reporting back for reevaluation.”
“But how will I contact you if I’m not dead?”
“Good point. Let’s look at the broader outlook instead: since your chance of meaningful success is close to zero, your career options are endless. You could even become an independent writer.”
“Wait! Can I go back to the character design screen? Just for a second!”
“Too late. We have just received the signal from the maternity ward. Initiating neuro-organic merge protocol… 3… 2… 1…”