Author: Julian Miles, Staff Writer

Jingle bells my ass. Actually, if I’d had one, the ex-wife probably would have. Covered it’s harness in fairy lights, too. She loved sparkly tat. Guess that’s why she hooked up with the bright-eyed pretty boy I used to be. Then she got pregnant and we both got ugly.
I raise a dirty glass.
“Cheers, Madeline, wherever the fuck you are.”
Finishing that one off, I top up again.
Actually, what we made was two separate lives joined at the kids. They noticed, we didn’t. Kept on living a lie that hurt us all. Changed us, too. I’d like to say I got stronger. What I actually got was meaner and drunker.
Timing. Another one down.
Refill!
Right. Maudlin reflections on Christmas week: repeats, of course. Isn’t that what maudlin is all about? Circling a drain you never quite go down, but can’t pull away from.
Where was I? Oh yes. Kids: Alison, Rebecca, Jason, and Kyle. Would have been more, but we finally realised fucking wasn’t a solution to the problem that outside of sex, we didn’t like each other.
Four new lives. Kyle was the first. Grew into a teenage charmer with no morals. Nothing slowed him down. Not me, not Madeline, not his siblings or even his girl. Who was she? Lilly. That’s her. Gentle. Sweet. Haven’t seen her since his funeral. Pretty sure it was her family that did him for stealing twenty kilos of marching powder, but past is past and she seemed to really care.
Jason. The boy. Gay and changed my mind about all of that. Duncan, his fella, is a bouncer. I haven’t seen either of them since her funeral…
Her. Rebecca. Happily studying for grade seven music while cancer ate her guts. Everybody found out too late. Saddest funeral I’ve ever been to. Nobody was ready. Fucking awful.
Alison. Well, now. Back to yesterday evening. Just let me down this…
And top up.
She’s in hospital. A drunk put here there: me. I spun the motor off a country lane. She was in the back, her fella next to me. When I saw the state of her, I lost it. Put him in the driver’s seat, set it up proper, then got the fuck out of there. Couldn’t get locked up, she’d need me.
Coppers woke me this morning to say she’d been in an accident.
“Why do I try, yet always do so bad?”
Truth?
“Because it’s always about me.”
And that’s usually… Wrong.
“What a fucking time to realise. Too fucking late, again.”
“That’s my cue, if ever I heard one.”
Why is it bright in here?
“Did you know you’ve got wings on your back, miss?”
“That’s because I’m an angel, you sad case.”
“Oh, that’s alright, then. Come to smite me, have you?”
“She doesn’t smite people at this time of year. Tries to lead by example. That’s why I’m here.”
“I’m drunk, shiny miss. You’ll have to explain it slow.”
“Think of me as a gift for Alison. She survives. You own up, then get yourself straight. She eventually gets a real father – or as close as you can get.”
Harsh… Truth.
“What if I fail?”
“Smite.”
Oh.
“This is a one-time deal, Mark. Fuck it up and she’ll smite you flat like any other petty, selfish, irredeemable drunkard.”
I hear that.
“Should you be swearing?”
“I speak all tongues. Fuck translates well. Rarely gets misinterpreted.”
True enough.
“Okay. Please save my kid.”
“Shall do. Merry Christmas, Mark.”
I’m sober.
She’s gone.
I get up slowly, then empty glass and bottle into the sink.
“Fuck.”