Author : Jacqueline Rochow

We assumed that they were aliens. I mean, when something nonhuman approaches you from space and opens communication, it’s a freakin’ alien, right? Stands to reason.

They set up a station on the moon and opened communications. They were friendly. They wanted to trade tech, which was great for us. A little suspicious, I reckon, since what do we have to offer a species with freaking interstellar space travel? But they say you should never look a gift horse in the mouth, at least until after you’re out of sight of the guy who thought he was giving you the horse in a fair trade, so we were happy when they came down (with permission) to check out our planet.

They wanted human ambassadors for their moon station. Fine, we said. It’s not like there was a lack of volunteers. Sure, we were confused when they wanted all sorts of people from various walks of life, but I guess it makes sense to get a snapshot of all cultures when you’re dealing with an entirely different form of life. Whatever. I’m a freaking plumber and I’m in space, what are the chances of that?

So after a while they invited us to other bases, and we drifted further away from the earth. Some kids were born in space; they’ve never seen their planet. And when enough of us had established stable systems away from Earth, they struck.

And the Earth’s surface was made of fire and floods and hurricanes.

Naturally we weren’t happy about this, but those lizard-faced bastards explained, calmly, reasonably, that it was time for the Mother Planet’s rebirth. We asked what the hell that was supposed to mean. That was when they felt it appropriate to dispel the whole ‘they’re aliens’ notion and explain that they were, in fact, dinosaurs.

According to their religion, the Earth, their so-called Mother Planet, was supposed to go through many cycles to produce intelligent life. Because intelligent life was competitive and it was difficult to house more than one really intelligent species on a single planet, a single intelligent species would gain prominence and move on, the unnecessary planetside baggage would be wiped out, and the cycle would begin again. So smiling, under the guise of aliens coming to trade, they tempted us out into space to build new colonies, and then they burned ground zero behind us.

They didn’t seem to understand why we had a problem with this.

Freakin’ aliens. At least… no, you know what, I think they do count as aliens. I think that if you abandon a planet for millions of years you can’t call it your planet any more. Although I have to wonder why they’ve changed so little in that time; I mean, in that time frame we went from rat-things to bipedal supersmart primates, so why do they still look like actors wearing reptilian rubber suits? Or maybe they never used to look like that; in fact, why do they look so similar to us at all? Downright suspicious if you ask me.

And that, kiddo, is why you don’t have grandparents, and why your mummy sometimes stares wistfully off into space and sobs. She’s thinking of her old home, which you will never be able to see. Now scram, I’m trying to install pipes here.