Author : Kristin Kirby
Monday, March 7:
Hi, loyal readers! Remember last week how I blogged about that guy in front of me at the salad bar who held the tongs hostage so long they developed Stockholm syndrome? Well, today he must have spent fifteen minutes arranging his cherry tomatoes on their lettuce bed so they would artistically complement the shredded cheese and croutons.
Slow people in the salad line, please: you’re not painting the Sistine flippin’ Chapel! You’re throwing vegetables on a plate to shove in your craw—-then they’re all jumbled together in your gut anyway before bobsledding through a mile of intestines toward the inevitable finish line. So move it—-there are people behind you!
Now to the coolest news in the galaxy, literally! Triffitz Corp., everyone’s favorite interplanetary wholesaler, has finally introduced their new meat into stores and restaurants. And our downstairs cafeteria too! We’re not talking the lab-grown stuff, synthetic meat, shmeat. No, sir—-this is real animal, direct from Titan or Io. Or Callisto. One of those moons of Saturn. Or Jupiter.
So I skipped the salad bar and had an alien burger, and it was uh-may-zing! Tender. Juicy. Waited in line there, too, but it was worth it! Triffitz Corp. promises the end of boring meals, and boy do they deliver. It’s just like any other meat, so you can cook it however you like. And the best part is they claim it tastes different to everyone who eats it!
I thought my burger tasted like bacon meets chocolate meets the best steak I’ve ever had. My coworker Brian said his tasted like his mom’s home-fried chicken. A woman in the elevator compared hers to pepperoni pizza. Gonna have to pick some up for dinner!
Thursday, March 10:
Miss me, bloggees? I was in bed with the biggest, ugliest stomach bug! Even missed work. But today I’m back, and my appetite’s back too. You know what lunch is gonna be, don’tcha? You got it!
Did you see the press release from Triffitz Corp.? There’s already a shortage of alien meat due to popular demand—-even with the European boycott (they think it’s GMO or some nonsense). But hang on! Triffitz reassures us that a ship full of live alien food animals is zipping its way to Earth right now. They’ve got farms set up across the country, cuz according to Triffitz these things breed like bunnies, despite being as big and plump as cows and not cute at all. So we’ll never have a shortage again!
Tuesday, March 15:
Lots of people out sick today. Rumors are flying that Triffitz burgers are just not agreeing with everybody. Sort of like a meaty Montezuma’s revenge. (And, yes, I know how un-PC that was.) I’ve had a few bouts of heartburn myself, but antacids clear it right up! Am headed out to lunch—-guess what I’m having!
Saturday, March 19:
Um, yeah, Triffitz Corp. should have studied the alien species longer. Maybe done a little more testing. I mean, just because you kill something and chop it up and cook it at 160 degrees doesn’t mean it’s dead. I’ve had like fifteen burgers in the past couple of weeks, so by now my insides are goo on their way to slurry. If you’ve eaten any alien meat, even only a bite of it, doesn’t matter—-it’s already taking its comestible joyride through your organs.
Yep. Turns out while we’ve been eating them…they’ve been eating us.