Author : J. S. Kachelries
â€œObjection, your honor; asked and answered,â€ stated the defense attorney.
â€œSustained,â€ replied the judge. Then addressing the plaintiffâ€™s attorney, â€œMove on, counselor.â€
â€œYour honor,â€ he protested, â€œthe witness is intentionally being evasive. Again, I appeal to the court to compel the defendant to submit to a paternity test.â€
The defense attorney objected again. â€œUnacceptable, your honor. As the President of the United States, my client is entitled to â€˜super-privacy.â€™ Clearly, the plaintiff initiated this frivolous lawsuit in a blatant attempt to influence the upcoming election. I motion the court to dismiss this case outright. The mere fact that the President of the United States has flatly denied these baseless allegations should be enough for an acquittal.â€
â€œYour honor,â€ interjected the plaintiffâ€™s attorney, â€œmy client is entitled to due process.â€
The judge rapped his gavel on the sound block. â€œMy chambers, gentlemen. Court is in recess for one hour.â€
A few minutes later, the judge sat at his desk facing the two attorneys. â€œGentlemen, I will not have my court turned into a circus. We need to resolve this dispute without it becoming a he-said-she-said debate. Do I make myself clear?â€
The defense attorney had anticipated this development, and pounced. â€œYour honor, perhaps I have a solution. If my client can convince you, privately of course, that he is irrefutably not the father of this child, would you consider summarily dismissing the case?â€
â€œPerhaps, counselor. Have him show me this â€˜evidenceâ€™ and Iâ€™ll make a ruling. No promises, mind you, until after I evaluate its validity. When can he be ready?â€
â€œIf my esteemed colleague will step outside, your honor, weâ€™re ready now.â€
The plaintiffâ€™s attorney reluctantly left the room, and the President entered. The judge leaned back in his chair and said, â€œMister President, your attorney tells me that you can prove youâ€™re not the childâ€™s father.â€
â€œYes, your honor, I can. However, if it pleases the court, may I ask that this information be kept confidential, based on the potential political ramifications.â€ After he saw the judge begrudgingly nod his head, he continued. â€œThank you, your honor. OK then, do you happen to have a Phillips head screw driver?â€
His attorney quickly interrupted. â€œNo need to look, your honor. I happen to have one in my coat pocket.â€
When court resumed, the judge made his ruling. â€œBased on evidence presented to me, I am dismissing this case with prejudice.â€ He quickly pointed his gavel at the plaintiffâ€™s attorney. â€œAnd, counselor, before you rush to appeal this ruling, I recommend that you thoroughly explain to your client the penalties for perjury, and for knowingly filing a false paternity suit. Because, she will be found guilty.â€
Two weeks later, the Presidentâ€™s reelection campaign â€œleakedâ€ documentation implying that the President was sterile, and that his opponent was behind the lawsuit in a desperate attempt to humiliate the President in an effort to win the election. Since the American people donâ€™t like dirty politics, the Presidentâ€™s poll numbers went up 30 points.
Two weeks after that, the judge was watching the election results on holovision. The President won reelection in a Reaganesque landslide. The judge mentally debated his oath of secrecy, but had to concede that the â€œsterilityâ€ disclosure was at least a half truth. After all, an android could not be the biological father of her child.