Author : Patricia Stewart, Staff Writer

Although born of desperation, it certainly seemed to be an ideal solution. Volcanologists had concluded that a devastating eruption of the Yellowstone Caldera would occur within ten years; fifteen at the most. To make matters worse, the seismological data, the spectrographic analyzes of the volcanic gasses, and the escalating pressures within of the magma chamber, all indicated that the inevitable supereruption would be Titanic, that’s with a capital “T.” In fact, it would likely rival the “Great Toba Event;” the largest volcanic eruption in the last 25 million years. It was predicted that hundreds of thousands would die in the immediate aftermath of the explosion. As catastrophic as that would be, it was insignificant compared to the loss of life that was predicted as a result of the volcanic winter caused by the trillions of cubic meters of tephra ejected into the atmosphere. The consensus opinion of the “experts” was that the Yellowstone Event would likely threaten the very existence of mankind. So, by now you’re probably wondering, dammit, what’s the ideal solution? Why, the Hephaestus Geothermic Siphon, of course.

Named for the Greek god of volcanoes, the Hephaestus Geothermic Siphon consisted of three major components:

• The massive Sigurðsson-Björk subterranean endothermic induction “vacuum” to remotely suck the heat energy from the magma chamber,

• A ring of Carnot enthalpy exchangers surrounding the caldera, and

• A gigantic array of microwave broadcast dishes to beam all of the heat energy into space.

Basically, it’s the steroid version of the system that’s been used by the Republic of Iceland to generate electricity since the mid twenty second century.

The construction of the Mega-Siphon was put into high gear as dozens of nations pitched in to help. However, because of the complexity of the project, the accelerated schedule, and the lack of adequate full scale experimental data, there were a few unforeseen operational “glitches” when the Siphon was powered up for the first time. Apparently, there was an overload in the Jónsson Alignment Compensators, which caused the endothermic vacuum inducers in Montana, Colorado, and Utah to change their focus angle. As a result, the Siphon ended up sucking heat from the Earth’s molten core, rather than from the caldera’s magma chamber. The excess heat energy then caused an uncontrolled chain reaction in the Helmholtz transfer regulators. Well, I guess I don’t have to tell you what that means. Any third grader knows that without the regulators controlling the rate of energy transfer, the Siphon goes berserk. With all the fused relays, it took over a month to shut the Siphon down. In the meantime, it sucked so much heat from the Earth’s molten core that it solidified. Now, you’re probably thinking “that’s bad,” and you’re right. The Earth needs a liquid metal core to sustain its magnetic field. Without a magnetic field, all kinds of vile charged particles from the sun and outer space can reach the surface of the Earth, and wreak havoc on a perfectly good planet, not to mention ruining your summertime vacation.

But fret not, my friends. I am told that our scientists are now working on a Celestial Angular Momentum Converter, which will bleed off orbital energy from the moon in order to remelt the Earth’s metallic core. Of course, as the moon looses angular momentum, it will begin to spiral downward toward the Earth. But again, no worries, because the scientists have assured us that they are pretty certain they can turn the Earth’s core liquid again long before the moon actually crashes into us. It certainly seems to be an ideal solution. Stay tuned.


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