Author : Patricia Stewart, Staff Writer
The two Capellians had traveled over 40 light years to collect a breeding pair of humans for the University of Xenobiology, on Capella Prime. During the trip, they also diligently recorded the various transmissions emanating from Earth in order to provide their scholars with as much cultural information about Earthmen as possible.
Satisfied that his trap was properly set, Ler’th returned to the spaceship and said, “As they say here on Earth, I am ‘clever as a coyote’, yes?”
“I believe the phrase is ‘clever as a fox’,” corrected Sefal’l. “Coyotes are stupid animals. Remember, they are the predators that are constantly being run over by ground transportation vehicles, or falling off of cliffs.”
Before Ler’th could reply, the trap alarm sounded. “Wow, that was fast,” he said as he glanced at the monitor. “We snagged one large one and one smaller one. Looks like this will be a quick trip.”
“Not so fast Ler’th. We need to make sure we have a male and female.” The Capellians left their camouflaged ship and approached the trap. “Earth humans,” asked Sefal’l, “are you a breeding couple?”
“Hell no,” snapped the slightly inebriated adult. “This is my son, Billy-Bob. We’s out here on a huntin’ trip. Looks like we got caught in y’alls snare. How’s about letting us out?”
“Not likely, human. We must take at least one of you back to our planet, along with a female.”
“What’s that? A woman you say?” inquired the now interested adult.
“Yes. And, as well as our trap appears to be working, we may be able to capture whoever you want? Would you prefer, Mary Ann Summers, Ginger Grant, Jeannie Nelson, or Mindy McConnell?”
“Holy crap,” belched the old man. “Them’s old television characters. I reckon that they must be a hundred years old by now. I ain’t agoin’ on no trip with them. Now let us out of here, or I’ll blast ya.” He waved his twelve gage threateningly.
“Don’t be absurd, human. We know how to make your projectile weapons useless.” Ler’th extended a finger and stuck it into the end of the barrel.
“Dad, don’t shoot,” pleaded the teenager. “Let me try something.” He held up his cell phone. “Listen, you scum bags, my weapon contains corbomite. You either let us out, or I’ll blow you to pieces.”
“Ooooh, noooo, not corbomite,” mocked Ler’th. “You mean the stuff Captain Kirk said would destroy the Fesarius ship. That was a bluff. See, we know more about your treachery than you think earthmen. Perhaps we should just destroy you both, and collect two new samples.”
“Don’t fret, son,” said the father as he pulled a stainless steel flask out of his back pocket. “I didn’t want to use this, but these aliens leave me no choice.”
“Hah. Look Sefal’l, he’s got a pretend phaser. Or maybe it’s a light saber, eh?” Both aliens began to make a cackling noise, which presumably, was laughter.
“Nope, my friends,” slurred the old man. “This here is an Illudium Pew-36 Explosive Space Modulator.”
Instantly, the Capellians became silent. “Whoa, hold on there Mister Earthman. There’s no need to overreact. We were just having a little fun. Look, we’re opening the trap. There, see, you’re free to go. No hard feelings.” The two aliens began backing up toward their spaceship. When they got close, they darted inside. A few seconds later, the spaceship was a distant black dot in the clear blue sky.”
The old man took a swig from the flask and smiled. “Damn aliens. Let’s go home, son. I can’t wait to tell your ma that I weren’t wastin’ my time watchin’ them cartoons after all.”