Author : David C. Nutt

“Here’s your discount biscotti”

“But I don’t want a biscotti.”

“Well, it comes with your coffee. You usually buy a biscotti so it’s now all bundled in with your coffee.”

“But I don’t want a biscotti today.”

“That may be true sir, but as you are a repeat customer, you get the biscotti for a reduced price when you buy a coffee. Your buying patterns over the last sixty transactions indicate that if you buy a coffee, you are most likely to purchase a biscotti. So here at Uber Café we personalized your consumer portfolio. The biscotti you get with your coffee is actually cheaper than if you bought it separate because of your buying patterns.”

“But I do not want a biscotti”

“I can’t see why. You’ve gone four days without.”

“Maybe I’m trying to lose weight.”

“Well, your other buying patterns don’t indicate that. You had a triple cheeseburger and a strawberry milkshake for dinner last night and then bought an order of Spicy Thai wings at twenty three hundred thirty hours from Wings-and-Stuff. Not an ideal weight plan if you ask me.”

“How the hell did you get all that information? I didn’t authorize that!”

“But you did sir. When you checked off ‘agreed’ on your new Quadrobile smart phone plan, you authorized Quadroblie to open your consumer profile to any of Quadrobile’s subsidiaries and its authorized partners.”

What? Uber Café is a subsidiary of Quadrobile?”

“Heavens no sir! We are wholly owned and independent entity. But we have bought a data access plan from ConsumerChoiceTracker which is a subsidiary of Quadrobile, and thus we are an authorized partner and have access to certain data of your data sets.”

“Screw all this. I’m gonna opt out of this tomorrow.

“Ummmmmm, that might not be such a good idea sir. If you opt out of the data share then your Quadrobile plan will most likely go up a bit.

“What! How much?”

“Well, I’m not a Quadrobile employee but my stepmothers’ brothers’ spouse dropped his plan and his Quadrobile plan went up by two hundred dollars a month.”

“That’s outrageous! I’m already paying over five hundred dollars a month.”

“Well, that’s part of the deal.”

“Part they never told me about.”

“Oh it’s right there in your contract. You can access it online.”

“I don’t have time for any of this.”

“No one ever does. Biscotti?”

“Sure. Whatever.”

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