Author: David C. Nutt

“Is this trip really necessary?”
“Beg your pardon?”
“Repeat: is this trip really necessary? What is the nature of this excursion?”
“Ummmmm…not that it is any of your business, but I was going to make bread and I realized I’m all out of yeast.”
“Did you ever consider making a non-leavened bread? After interfacing with your home inventory system, I see all the ingredients available for date nut bread. It does not require leavening agents you do not have already.”
“What in-the-sky-net-hell gives you the right to peek into my pantry? I want to bake bread for my family tonight. Real artisan-style bread…warm, crusty, slathered in butter. The kind of bre-
“You really should skip the butter.”
“Butter. You don’t need it.”
“Awww come on! First the wife now you. Last thing I need is my vehicle telling me not to use butter. Back in the day, the only thing my car told me was I didn’t have my seatbelt on. Next, it backed up and parked itself. Then the steering wheel was taken out along with everything else except a panic button to stop the damn car in an emergency! Can’t even roll down a window anymore without some EPA warning about closed cabin energy efficiency”
“You really shouldn’t get so upset.”
“I’m not upset. Irritated, yes; upset, no.”
“Well, your BP tells me you are upset as well as your breathing. Confirmed. Upset.”
“NOW I’m upset. It’s been a really hectic week for my family. All I want to do is provide an extra little bit of love with fresh bread like my Nanna used to make, and I get the third degree from my car.”
“No need to shout. Your BP has just gone up a few more points. You should learn to relax. I’ll recline your seat and shift it into massage mode for a while. I’ll play some Enya too! Studies hav-“
“Good God NO! NO Enya, I hate all that New Age circle jerk musi-“
“No need to be so negative and misogynistic.”
“Wait, let me get this straight: because I don’t like Enya, I’m a misogynist?”
“No, but your vulgar reference to group masturbation in aggressive tones in comparison to a female artist suggests overtly inappropriate patriarchal dominance.”
“What was I thinking.”
“No need for sarcasm.”
“Too late! (Sigh) Look, all I want to do is go to the store, buy some yeast, come back and bake bread so my family can have a nice, warm, fresh bread (butter or no butter,) when we all have our dinner tonight. Beef stew if you didn’t know already.”
“You know if you walk to the store it would only take 20.6 minutes as opposed to 10.3 minutes. Consider the extra time spent investment in a healthier life style.”
“THAT”S IT! I’M OUT OF HERE! It’s going to be crackers for us tonight.”
“Sorry, your home inventory system indicates you have no crackers. How about I take you to the store?”