Author: Tina Ruiz
“Sometimes I want to die,” she said. “Your soul is tired,” he replied. Oh, how right he was. Her soul was tired. She had spent her life fighting to be normal in a world that wasn’t. She struggled to fit in with people who refused to understand her and covered up the damage done to her body and her spirit by those who only wanted to control her. She was tired of fighting; she was tired of being strong.
She was an enigma, both not enough and too much at the same time. She could never live up to anyone’s expectations. They endlessly told her she was lacking. She wasn’t smart enough, yet, she thought she was more intelligent than everyone else. She wasn’t pretty enough; in fact, she was disgusting; nevertheless, she was a tease. He didn’t help her with the house because she didn’t remind him, but if she did, she was nagging. She could never do anything right in their eyes. She was tired of fighting to be seen for herself rather than how they were determined to perceive her.
She wanted to find a meadow with lush spring grass and an explosion of vibrant wildflowers. There, she would lie on the thick, green carpet, gaze into the blue sky, and watch the billowing clouds drift by. She’d close her eyes and listen to the bees buzzing from flower to flower. Birds would be singing in the trees above her. A gentle breeze rustled the leaves in the trees above.
She thought of the world she lived in, full of hate and greed. Men killed children in schools and those who were different. Corporations and governments raped the land for money, knowing yet not caring about the damage they caused to the environment and future generations—pharmaceutical companies allowed people to die for profit. And men bellowed that they would kill everyone different, those whose only desire was to save the world and the souls that inhabit it.
She wanted a world to exist in which people meant what they said, not one where promises whispered without the intention of being kept. A world where deception and manipulation weren’t considered normal. She wanted to exist where love ruled rather than hate, and people didn’t destroy each other for personal gain.
Her life was a string of broken dreams, broken promises, and heartache. Each time she thought she was within reach of her dreams, they shattered like crystal thrown against a wall. The shards of glass left behind forever embedded in her body, in her soul. She could feel their sharp edges digging in, shredding, drawing blood each time she tried to reach for happiness. They wanted to keep her down, to prevent her from trying, to let her know she wasn’t deserving. She was not enough, and yet, she was too much.
She opened her eyes and looked once more at the puffy clouds floating by. She heard the bees buzzing, the birds singing, wind chimes melodious tinkling. Her soul was tired, and she didn’t want to fight anymore. She would just lay in that meadow until the grass grew over her body and flowers dotted her limbs. She would listen to the bees buzz around her, and the birds sing in the breeze. Then, her soul would float to the top of the trees and rustle their leaves. Only then would she finally be free from a world that could never understand her or meet her needs.
A sad capture of the fight too many have to go through just to get up each day.