Author: Tim Dillon
Valued Somatech customer,
We’re honored to bring you all of the miracles of modern medical robotics. Whether it’s a replacement limb, a pair of Optimeyes, or a Cyber Heart, we understand the importance of our products for billions of ordinary people. Tech like this means innovating and disrupting the human body in ways no one has ever done before. We’re proud to accept such an awesome responsibility. We know that the future of the species is in our sleek, stainless steel hands. And that’s not something we take lightly. We know that each new part is more than a product for you.
And so it makes me genuinely happy to announce the next line of cyber-augmentations. Rolling out next monday, these disruptive new body parts will make you faster, stronger, and better. And as a loyal member of the Somatech family, we want to help you ascend to the next level as easily as you can. Therefore, we’ll be granting anyone with one of our products already installed a 2% discount on the next generation upgrade at participating clinics. And be sure to be first in line, because supplies may be limited.
Of course, such a monumental disruption means that the world’s going to look pretty different in a week. And because every change has a tradeoff, we regret to announce that as of monday, we will no longer be supporting older models. When support ends, you may notice a few differences, including a substantial decrease in functionality. This is, regrettably, one of the costs of progress. However, we do have good news. We’re excited to announce that once you upgrade to a new model, you’ll find functionality fully restored.
We understand that some customers will not be able to immediately afford these new, premium products. In recognition of that fact, we are also excited to announce a generous program of borrowing, allowing any prospective customer to take out a loan in order to cover the cost of the upgrade. Do note that failure to meet any payment may result in repossession of one or more of our products, etc.
For all your basic bodily needs, Somatech is your choice.
CEO Anthony Works
Heh heh. Less about the gear and more about the warranty. Some things never change.
This message was brought to you by the owner & CEO of Somatech, Mr. Elon Musk.
Repo Men and Repo! come to mind.