Author: David Tam McDonald

Colin gave a polite cough to start the meeting. As team leader he sat at the head of the table. Brian, the secretary, sat to his left, perusing the agenda, which was blank and absolutely not taking any minutes. Tony, Richard and Lyndsey sat facing them, all eager to begin.
“I just wanted a quick meeting today to finalise the schedule for August, especially as Brian and Richard are on holiday, at the same time, and we’ll be a little shorthanded.” Colin began.

“I can’t believe you’re both going to that UFO conference.” Lyndsey put in, “Isn’t that a bit sad?”

“Actually, we should be able to gather some useful data whilst we’re there, some real-world insight.” Richard replied, making quotation marks around the words ‘real world.’ There was a chuckle around the table, though Richard looked slightly offended.

“OK, moving on, what have got programmed over the rest of summer? Brian, what’s in your workstream?”

“Well, we have the big cigar over Macclesfield on the fourth, and the big humming disc over Falkirk on the twelfth.” Brian enthused.

“Not Falkirk again surely!” sighed Colin, couldn’t we move it about a bit?”

“Not really, no.” said Brian, looking at Lyndsey for support.

“It would defeat the point really.” agreed Lyndsey. “It’s about having a concentration there, y’know, to attract them there.”

“What about Cumbernauld then?” Colin said reasonably. “It’s been a few years since they’ve had one.”

“I know that!” squeaked a clearly exasperated Brian. “But it’s not in the Triangle, the Falkirk Triangle. You can’t go blurring the lines of the triangle. A triangle has lines, clear lines. You’ll make it a rhombus if you’re not careful.”

“Or just some generic irregular polygon. Which won’t work at all.” Lyndsey offered helpfully.

“That’s a good point actually,” Richard said, now the neutral party. “You can’t infer anything from irregular polygons, they could mean anything, which means they mean nothing.”

“Fair enough,” Colin conceded “Falkirk it is then. Tony what about you?”

“I was going to send the rings out over Slough and then the collapsing pyramid out over the Isle of Man, for a bit of a laugh.”

“Great. Yes, to the Isle of Man, but better send the pyramid to Slough as well. The Olympics are on, and people might think the rings are advertising a well-known soft drink or something. You weren’t here when the hyperbolic paraboloid over Wigan caused a spike in sales of a particular snack. Let’s not have that again. OK, Richard what’s your plan?”

“I’m hoping to debut my new one over Cookstown on the 23rd. There’re still a few kinks to iron out but fingers crossed it’ll be ready for then. I’m quite pleased with it, it’s actually quite hard to describe. It starts as a disc but then expands into a kind of DNA helix type shape and then shoots off. It’d be too complicated to build physically but the new projection system means we don’t have to.” he sat back in his chair, looking pleased with himself.

“Cookstown’s out for now, sorry.” Colin’s voice was quiet.

“How come?” Richard asked sadly.

“Well, it’s top secret obviously.”

“But we’re top secret.” said Tony. “Aren’t we the most top secret secret department of all? What could be more top secret than us?”

“I can’t tell you. It’s too top secret obviously.”

“What are you saying Colin? The only thing more top secret than us would be a real one! Is that what you’re telling me Colin?”

“I’m not telling anyone anything.” Said Colin sadly. “It’s top secret.”