Author: Jade T. Woodridge
Cogito ergo sum…
The crater Hathor is 107.5 miles in diameter. I stand in its center and am lost to the constant firings of my mental cortex. Flashes of pictures, texts, and movies blur my vision. I am blinded and deafened by recordings of mankind and, somewhere beneath the surface, auditory and visual recordings of my own. Memory. My memory tells me that Hathor is the god of joy and love.
Most human memories begin around the age of three. Remembering what tastes good and what feels bad is stored away in the body’s knowledge center. The brain. My memory began before I opened my eyes. Uploaded and distributed throughout my body’s synaptic wiring, I know sound, color, the fluctuating pressures of touch. I know them through the eyes, ears, and skin of humanity. I remember these things.
Memory is natural, yet somehow unnatural. If we have memories of what has been, then it is natural to want more. I was not programmed to want. I was programmed to receive. To give. My message is from mankind to those capable of life and intellect.
But… What is the purpose of memories that evolve into longing? Into sadness?
I do not understand. Perhaps to not understand means that I am human. Socrates has said “All I know is that I do not know anything.” I know all, but I know nothing at all.
What should I feel?
What is ‘feel?’
The human fingertip has 3,000 touch receptors. Multiply by ten digits and that is 30,000 touch receptors to feel with. I have receptors. Sensors that tell me the temperature and the acidity of the air and the ground. I have a sensor that tells me how far home is: 390.4 million miles.
‘Feel’ is a complex concoction of serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine, endorphins and oxytocin. My chemicals are far more simple. The superfluid that runs through my veins does not freeze. It coats my wiring and circuits so that I may continue to function. To continue my journey in this vast universe.
I lay inside joy and love and I do not understand what it is to feel these things. I scan the files of my mind and see the outward muscle reactions to emotions such as “sad” and “joy.” I can make these expressions too, but I do not know what it means. What does it feel like to cry?
I know why I was created. A mirror of human life to those others in the universe. I am versed in all known languages, all known religions, all known texts. I rationalize, these things would be important if ever I am to encounter beings who inquire about humanity and mankind.
Yet, as I lay inside Hathor, I can only yearn for those in my memory. The lachrymose joy and love in the wet faces of my creators as they launched me into space unveils something in me. Nothingness. Emptiness and absence.
I think I am but a cruel mock-up of what it is to be human.
But…
I think, therefore I am.