by submission | Jun 23, 2007 | Story
Author : Joe Carter/Kyle French
37 hands. Zed shook his head. The 84 candidates running for President were asked if they believed in Sixism, and only 37 raised their hands.
He couldn’t believe this debate was still going on. For years they had assumed that the Manhattan Inflation Trial in 4838 had put the lid on the silly notion that the universe contained billions of galaxies. Billions! Zed looked out the window at the smooth black plane of the night sky. One-two-three-four-five-six. Six galaxies. There they were. It was so basic, so obvious. Any kid with a neutron telescope could make the observation for themselves!
The moderator turned to Governor Tembke of South Africa. “Madam, are you a Big Banger?†There were dampened giggles at the pejorative. Everyone knew what a ‘banger†was.
Rev. Tembke sniffed. “I’m running for the office of president, not planning on writing a 5th-grade textbook on astrophysics.”
“Aargh!†Zed threw his shoe at the screen, but it flew through the image of the Senator from Zimbabwe instead. He stood up and began to pace. He tried to breathe deeply, as if that would lower his blood pressure.
He used to be patient with relativists. He really did. But at a debate at ultra-conservative Harvard University, he’d made the mistake of asking one to explain how this galactic disappearing act occurred. The answer the nut had given him had been so ridiculous, he’d written it down:
“As the universe expanded, the force pushed the galaxies outward faster and faster. As they surpassed the speed of light, their light shifted to infinitely long wavelengths and dimmed. A similar “cloak of invisibility†befell the afterglow of the Big Bang, a faint bath of cosmic microwaves, whose wavelengths shifted so that they are now buried by the radio noise in our own galaxy. There was also an element called deuterium, but it is in deep space now. To be seen it needs to be backlit from distant quasars, and quasars, of course, have also disappeared.â€
Totally unqualified. Unprovable! Billions of galaxies–similar in size and shape to the six observable galaxies – simply sped up and – poof! – became invisible. “Yeah, that happened,” Zed chuckled to himself, turning back to the debate.
Zed was particularly frustrated that the relativists were able to prop up their beliefs with… ancient texts! The silly belief was dying out until an archaeological dig in New Atlantis produced evidence of near universal belief in relativism by ancient world civilizations. Einstein, Hubble, Hawking… proto-scientists believed in an inflationary universe, so why shouldn’t we?
“Science is based on observation,†he grumbled, “not faith in theories about a Big Bang, cosmic radiation, and an expanding universe in which galaxies go missing.†Why couldn’t they just embrace the facts? Why did they insist on clinging to mythical beliefs? Were they just stupid?
Zed collapsed back into his recliner. Fortunately, time was on the side of science. Eventually, the old beliefs would finally fade away. After all, everyone knew the modern system would collapse if the rules could ever change.
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by submission | Jun 20, 2007 | Story
Author : Mark Lindquist
“I’d like to order an arm, please. Left, if you have them. I’ve always liked left arms.”
“Certainly, sir. Have a seat while — oh, my apologies, that was quite rude of me.”
“Think nothing of it. It’s by choice, not by circumstance; sitting has always been highly overrated.”
“So I’ve heard, so I’ve heard. I wouldn’t wish to do without it myself, you understand, but I can see how … ah, here we are. Did you need it coloured to match?”
“I don’t suppose you have green…”
“No, sir, only the natural colours. There’s a dyist some of our patrons use that we can highly recommend, if you’re interested.”
“No matter, I have my own. Did my ears.”
“Remarkable work. Modified?”
“Not much. Standard frequencies and AM/FM radio. Decent quality, but I pick up a bit of static when I get too near a microwave.”
“Common problem, or so I’ve heard. Now, if you’ll take a look at the monitor, you can see what we have in stock.”
“The, ah, black one…”
“An excellent specimen. Professional ball player, or so I’m told. A pitcher.”
“The cost seems low in that case.”
“Well, he was right handed. But it’s still a very high quality arm. Do you play?”
“I must say — never quite got the game. I mean, I understand it … but why?”
“Quite, sir. I was never very good at it myself. Would you like to see another, then?”
“Ah… one moment. Hm. 3X23.”
“I am compelled to tell you, sir, that that is in fact a female arm. We certainly don’t oppose such things, but we’ve had some complaints from customers who weren’t aware when ordering.”
“What’s the motor control like?”
“Rated at 73%, sir. Very good for a left hand.”
“Not a primary hand, then?”
“We get very few of those, I’m afraid. Not for lefts.”
“Understandable. I’ll take it. Put it on my account.”
“Certainly, sir. Will you need that installed here or delivered?”
“Neither, thank you. I’ll eat it here.”
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by submission | Jun 19, 2007 | Story
Author : Grady Hendrix
When new Aunt Sally arrived, David had just one question burning in his brain. He managed to make it all the way through her visit before it came out.
“What happened to old Aunt Sally?†he asked.
“She’s gone on to a wonderful place where it’s always summer vacation,†his mother said. “She’s much happier there.â€
Being a normal eight-year-old boy, David knew that this meant that she was dead.
New Aunt Sally was exactly the same as old Aunt Sally. She brought the same presents, she said the same things, she embarrassed him the same way. The only difference was that she didn’t seem to upset his father as much. He and old Aunt Sally were always shouting at each other, but new Aunt Sally and his dad got along just fine. It was like she was the same, only better. Better for his dad, at least.
“Why did new Aunt Sally come?†he asked his mother.
“Because we asked her to,†said his mother.
“But why? What was wrong with old Aunt Sally?â€
“Nothing was wrong with her, but new Aunt Sally is so good, don’t you think? Now go do your homework and stop asking so many silly questions. It’s nothing you need to worry about.â€
But he did worry about it. He worried about it all the time. Old Aunt Sally had just been plain Aunt Sally, but suddenly one day she became old Aunt Sally and new Aunt Sally took her place. What if one day he was suddenly old David Lighter? Come to think of it, he was already old David Lighter, just nobody had called him that yet.
He lay in bed all night, staring at the ceiling and promising God that from now on he would be very, very good. He would be very, very, very good. He dug his nails into his sweaty palms until they bled and he bit his lip until it tore and he swore that he would be so good that his parents would always want the old him. Always.
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by submission | Jun 17, 2007 | Story
Author : TJMoore
“But what is it?” asked Brian. He was examining the softly humming sphere on the table with skepticism.
“I told you, it’s an explanitarium. I invented it!” I said again with more than a little pride and just a little impatience.
“And what, exactly, does it do again?” he asked, yet again.
I held up my hands in exasperation. “I already told you, it explains itself. Aren’t you paying attention? “
“I don’t get it. Explain how it explains itself.”
Brian squatted down and gazed at the small shiny sphere from eye level and tried to see anything that would explain what it did.
“It just does; Aren’t you listening?”
By now I was waving my arms in the air and drawing diagrams in the air with my hands, as if he could glean my meaning from the after image left behind.
“It synchronizes its aura with your persistent coronal thought pattern and presents a detailed explanation of its inner workings. How many times do I have to say it?”
“But how does it work?” He asked again without taking his eyes off the object of our discussion, as though fearful it would grow legs and run over and bite him.
“Listen! You pick it up and it explains itself to you. That’s it! That’s all! It’s simple! Oy!”
I rolled my eyeballs at him, crossed my arms in front of me and started tapping my foot.
“But…”
“Just pick it up!” I shouted at him, totally losing my cool at this point.
“OK! OK! Don’t blow a gasket! I’ll pick it up!” he said reaching tentatively for the little sphere.
“Oh wow… I understand. That’s really cool.” said Brian.
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by submission | Jun 16, 2007 | Story
Author : Glenn S. Austin
It was always the same, Bojorn counted on it, and he was never disappointed. He had fine tuned the process over time, but the basics were still the same. Part of this tuning had been to add an anthropologist to his crew, and it had made the selection go so much easier.
A Supreme Being or their future selves, that choice was always the toughest. The anthropologist made deciding easier, as she’d found an algorithm to make the choice, and so far it had been dead on.
All self aware intelligent species had a belief system. It didn’t matter how far along in their development they were, vestiges of age old beliefs were clung to by every species. Beliefs that were born out of ignorance when they were just starting to have a vague notion of their own existence, wanting to explain the world and cosmos around their barely surviving civilization. Wanting to believe that they had some control over their future and their destiny. Unwilling to release any belief to history, even in the face of overwhelming evidence.
Some worlds that Bojorn had visited, and profited from, held a singular world wide belief, and some like the one that was being categorized by his staff right now, were fragmented by many.
He was surprised on the occasions when they found a civilization that had achieved great strides in technology; early attempts to control atoms, flights into their solar system, and an understanding of the size and nature of the universe, but still held onto the beliefs that had guided them when they had first looked at the stars and wondered.
Some of these were tricky, and he would have to use the “I am from your Future” scenario to gain an entrance into these civilizations and leave with what he needed often simply by asking. It was the better choice, when possible, as they always seemed to understand that he would eventually have to “return to the future”, which made his departure with another full cargo hold of riches that much easier.
He studied the planet on the screen as his anthropologist handed him her report, and verbally summed it up for him.
“Looks like the best angle is the returning Deity routine.” She explained. “There are three or four major belief systems that are awaiting the return of their Supreme Being. If you go in with that angle, you should get buy in from most of the planet’s population, and we should be gone before they start to ask which one of them you came back for.”
Bojorn looked up from the report. “Alright then, if you’re sure that’s the best option.
Where would you suggest I should be returning from?
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