Author: Julian Miles, Staff Writer

“It really is nice that world leaders would meet me at such short notice.”
The President waves a hand towards the kilometre-long spaceship that had appeared without warning above Washington DC.
“Your presence is impossible to conceal. Panic is escalating. We thought it best.”
The garishly-dressed triped nods.
“Given the time constraint, we decided to be obvious for once.”
Concerned looks are exchanged.
The Prime Minister glares at the alien in the room.
“You’ve visited before? What constraint?”
“We’ve been visiting for longer than you’ve been here. The constraint? One moment.”
It pulls out an ornate scroll, then reads from it.
“Greetings, residents of the star-orbiting mass locally identified as ‘Earth’. In accordance with the terms retranscribed during in the Ker-Ys Reaffirmation of the Nesoi Treaty, notice is hereby given that the sentients-in-residence, self-identifying as ‘humans’, now need to depart for the non-local residence codenamed ‘Heaven’ as they agreed to do. In accordance with conditions set upon those terms, a delay is granted for the arrangement of those departures due to difficulties previously encountered in contacting the non-local entities that operate the aforementioned destination.”
The being looks up.
“It being around midsummer here, I’m happy to say Galaxus have agreed a convenient expatriation date: we’ll start the mass reset on the next summer solstice at this location. We prefer to use celestial events for timings – leaves no room for confusion.”
The scroll retracts.
“Anyway, if you could all pop off before that moment, it would be lovely. We’re even prepared to offer early departure bonuses for those emigrating before winter solstice.”
The Premier looks about at her ashen-faced peers.
“Excuse me… Actually, who are you?”
The being bows.
“Thank you for asking. I’m Galaxus Ambassador Dougalla Brox.”
The Premier frowns.
“You’re aware we don’t have the technology for large-scale space flight?”
“Yes. One of my predecessors raised that matter and was reassured by Gralon Meriadoc Liege that your owner, Almighty God the Creator, would find it simple to implement. I can also reconfirm the stipulation that any sentients left behind be made aware of their unworthiness can also be met. By the way: do you have an updated text for us to use, or will the original suffice?”
First Member stabs a finger frantically at his phone, then looks up, eyes wide.
“You expect us to leave Earth based on a treaty agreed with a minor European king over fifteen centuries ago?”
The being turns to face him.
“Euro-what? Anyway, the answer is ‘Yes’. There are only so many times we can extend the half-millennia wait period. Three is the absolute limit. Really, my management team have been expecting you lot to do your ‘ascend’ thing for the last half-millennia. When it didn’t happen, they decided we’ve been patient for long enough, and here I am.”
The Chairman slams his fist down on the table.
“How could a pissant monarch dictate to the world? It is he who was unworthy, not us!”
The being pauses for a minute, then raises a claw.
“Please forgive us, we’ve made a horrible error. We missed that your worthy have already ascended. I’ll leave you to your preparations for extinction.”
The being fades from view.
After a moment, the Premier stands up.
“I propose that all media are to speculate about ongoing delicate negotiations and the like, but the pervasive tone must be relentlessly optimistic: ‘a new age is coming’. Meanwhile, we need to jumpstart a top-secret offworld colony project with an eleven-month window. Mars is now stage one, not the final destination.”
The show of hands is unanimous.