Author : Duncan Shields, Staff Writer

The way my race has sex has made me a natural choice for the role of diplomat, lawyer and event organizer at an interplanetary level.

Our planet adapted to overcrowding by creating new sexes. We have seventeen now. It seems to be holding steady there.

Myself, I’m a tertiary bi-valve post-pubescent fifth-stage spawning facilitator. I’m bright green and quite tall for my age.

I’m needed in the home stretch of our three-day mating rituals. By using what’s called the ‘augmented reacharound’, I help fertilize the egg clusters sprouting out of the backs of the three gene-imprinting tri-spigot chain producers before the eggs are mixed in the chest cavity of a seconday monovalve pre-pubescent first-stage fertilization overseer and then deposited into the senile no-valve seventeenth-stage sacrificial carrier.

That’s just the last five hours of the three-day ordeal.

The procedure is exhausting. We all need to be awake for the full three days of the sex. There’s a two-day recovery period as well.

The timetable juggling that needs to take place to get sixteen schedules cleared and a will and last rites performed the carrier is a feat of patience and organization. Our social skills are awe-inspiring to other races. We have this ability to bring harmony to all conversations and smooth out conflicts. We can help bridge an understanding between the most different sets of personalities.

By comparison, the idea of organizing a press conference for a dignitary or memorizing some laws seems easy.

I’ve found a place here on this planet called Earth. While I can’t produce children, I do have the ability as a tertiary bi-valve to mate with this planet’s populace. That’s a rare thing in my travels. The Earthlings are ready for sex all-year round, much like my own race. Their unions only last a few hours, though.

The lack of complexity is refreshing to me. I’m sure in time it will become boring but my tour at the UN should be over before then. Right now, there is a young male and an older female at the end of bar. They are both looking at me, both unaware of each other’s interest in me. I must cut a fine figure with my green skin and Armani suit.

I’ll see what I can faciliate. The three of us should be getting to know each other much better within the next three or four hours.