Author: Aubrey Williams

“So, anyway, I’m afraid I’m still going to have to kill you.”

The Astronaut’s expression would have read puzzled and disappointed as he sat on the edge of the asteroid’s crater, if he wasn’t wearing a reflective visor. The green, long-snouted Alien in a red cosmic suit next to him looked down, awkwardly twirling one long foot.

“And like I said, I think you’re a really cool guy, and I want to hang some more, but my family would—”

“No, I understand,” replied the Astronaut, gazing into the distant galactic dust, “your government would do awful things.”

The Alien rubbed its snout, whistling a little as it drew on its internal pressurised air-sac.

“I mean… if you were to call the other guy, whatshisname…”

“No, I’m not doing that,” the Astronaut said, holding up his hands in protest, “I’d never hear the end of it. And the clusterfuck that’ll result from me making the first contact—”

“Er, first contact that didn’t die…”

“…right,” the Astronaut continued, inclining his helmet somewhat suspiciously, “anyway, it’s too much of a big deal, and that planet’s already pretty worked-up about its own imagined problems. Plus, as I’ve already mentioned…”

The Alien looked up, a little embarrassed and sheepishly, if something vaguely crocodilian could look sheepish.

“Your wife, Kayley?”

“That’s Kayleigh, with the stupid, silent gh.”

“No way can you hear that!”

“Oh!” said the Astronaut, raising a finger and wagging it, “Believe me, I can!”

Rubbing the back of its head, the Alien looked over at the Astronaut.

“She’s a bitch.”

“Total bitch. You know, I wish I’d taken my mother’s advice and divorced, but I didn’t want to cause a fuss … Treats me like junk, always tries to make me feel insignificant, and she’s accomplished nothing except getting lots of likes on LinkedIn, and I’M A FUCKING ASTRONAUT!”

At this he jumped up, holding out his arms.

“And I’ve met a bloody alien!”

The Alien nodded.

“She’s the worst. But… you seem oddly chill about this. I am going to kill you. I’ll do it really carefully, quick brain-puncture, and believe me, they’ll treat your body like a fucking relic— the dead of old would envy you! But… it’s death. You’ll stop being. End-point, cessation of existence.”

“Oh yeah,” the Astronaut responded, “you don’t believe in any spiritual or ethereal existence.”

“I don’t understand how you can exist as the element ether.”

The Astronaut instinctively put his fingers to where his nasal bridge would have been had the helmet not been in the way.

“Look, I have no regrets bar the ones I’ve told you in confidence. I’m fine with it. Just let me get into my zen space.”

The Alien nodded, then paused as it saw a comet streaking across the firmament, blue-purple with majestic sublime power. It thought of some of the jokes the Astronaut had made.

“You know…”

“I don’t have the energy to kill you, and I’m trying to get zen, here!”

“No, no!” The Alien said, excited. “What if… I just brought you back, as a guest! That’d be… so cool! And everyone would be so impressed they’d definitely not want to kill you.”

“What?!”

“No, I mean it! I know I said we have this code about killing other intelligent beings we meet or dying gloriously, else we bring shame and dishonour to our families… if we are approached by a stranger of hostile or unknown intentions, or a diplomat! It says nothing about exiles in the code!”

The Astronaut paused.

“Do they have doughnuts on your planet?”

“Well, we have these doughy fritters…”