Conquer Earth With This One Weird Trick

Author: Marcel Barker

Rrrtx class destroyer Ssstnbrx hung high over Earth’s southern pole, invisible and silent. Commander Tttx read from the onyx screen in front of him.

10 Facts About Bananas Doctors Don’t Want You To Know
Beneath the English text, the display conveniently translated to Krgg ideograms.
Mother Theresa’s Dark Legacy
Why You’ve Been Eating Bananas Wrong This Whole Time

“What’s a banana?” Tttx asked.
Vvvtx, Tttx’s second-in-command, gestured with two pseudopods. The screen showed an image of a long yellow fruit.
“Earth food. The exterior is inedible and peeled off in strips before consuming the soft interior.”
“Ugh. It looks just like an Yyyrg larva. So how have they been eaten wrong ‘this whole time’?”
“Wwwrn has written an article suggesting they should be eaten upside-down instead.”
“I see.” Tttx said. His mottled blue skin coloration indicated that he did not. “Show me the other ones.”

Is Banana Toast the New Avocado Toast?

“Wwwrn seems to have developed a bit of a fondness for them,” Tttx observed.
Vvvtx made a noncommittal gesture. For a moment there was silence.
Finally, Tttx sighed, sending ochre waves undulating down his dorsal polyps.
“This makes little sense to me, Vvvtx. Our mission is to conquer this backward planet, harvest the Earthling’s life-forces. We have one million face-huggers, three orbital phaser platform, and two million shock troops ready to deploy. Why waste our time and resources on these bananas? I have been patient with you, Vvvtx, but now it’s time to end… whatever you call this project.”
“I call it Weaponized Iconoclasm.” Vvvtx’s outer membrane grew stiff and angular. “It’s about planting doubt. In the first phase of my plan, we tell them that their medical professionals don’t want them to know about bananas, that the history they’ve been told is wrong. We tell them even the simplest things they have always done are being done incorrectly. We make them question everything.”
Tttx began to speak, but Vvvtx continued.
“And it’s working! We’ve helped the Earthlings establish a group to spread the idea that their planet is completely flat.”
“What?” Tttx pointed out the viewport. “That makes absolutely no sense.”
“Exactly. They are convinced that their space program is lying to them about how gravity works. Once Earthlings are confused enough and have learned to doubt everything, then we begin the second phase of the plan. We’ve begun influencing their leaders, having them make erratic and destructive choices.”
“To what end?”
“How will they be able to trust themselves enough to choose their own leaders? Instead of having to fight them, they will celebrate the Krgg for taking control! Furthermore, we’ve required only a few hundred propagandists; Earth already has an infrastructure for this sort of thing that we’ve been able to use directly.”
“Wait.” Tttx’s colouring turned a dark, deep crimson. “We have been leaving this strategy in the hands of the enemy?”
“You’re missing the point, sir. We can conquer these Earthlings with minimum effort. With no loss of troops! Besides, what could they possibly do with it?”
Tttx faded. Vvvtx had a valid point.
“I’ll think about it,” he said, and motioned Vvvtx out of the room.
When he was finally alone, Tttx melted into a thoughtful iridescent puddle. Could Vvvtx be right?
He poured a decanter of nutrient fluid, turned on his personal console, updated ship operations. Status nominal.
Tttx switched to the Krgg news feed, skimming article synopses as they scrolled by.
Then Tttx stopped. Scrolled back. Stared at the screen, blanching.

The Weird Trick for Consuming Life-Force High Council Doesn’t Want You To Know

4 Comments

  1. SimonJM

    A little heavy-handed on pushing the alien-ness, but a nice, droll, look at PR, etc. 😉

  2. Jae

    Worked a little too hard to deliver for my tastes, but fair play for a tidy satire.

    • MarcelB

      Valid point. Thanks for the feedback!

Submit a Comment

Random Story :

The Past

365tomorrows launched August 1st, 2005 with the lofty goal of providing a new story every day for a year. We’ve been on the wire ever since. Our stories are a mix of those lovingly hand crafted by a talented pool of staff writers, and select stories received by submission.

The archives are deep, feel free to dive in.

Flash Fiction

"Flash fiction is fiction with its teeth bared and its claws extended, lithe and muscular with no extra fat. It pounces in the first paragraph, and if those claws aren’t embedded in the reader by the start of the second, the story began a paragraph too soon. There is no margin for error. Every word must be essential, and if it isn’t essential, it must be eliminated."

Kathy Kachelries
Founding Member

Submissions

We're open to submissions of original Science or Speculative Fiction of 600 words or less. We only accepting work which you previously haven't sold or given away the rights to. That means your work must not have been published elsewhere, either in print or on the web. When your story is accepted, you're giving us first electronic publication rights and non-exclusive subsequent publication rights. You retain ownership over your story. We are not a paying market.

Voices of Tomorrow

Voices of Tomorrow is the official podcast of 365tomorrows, with audio versions of many of the stories published here.

If you're interested in recording stories for Voices of Tomorrow, or for any other inquiries, please contact ssmith@365tomorrows.com