Author : M. Irene Hill

Declinism is the belief that society is declining or otherwise falling apart. It is the predisposition for people to view the past favorably, through rose-colored lenses, and to regard the future in a negative light. Many seek to relive the good ol’ days, whether by collecting antiques or watching old movies; some buy classic cars or even travel back in time.

Morris Harrison unfolded the newspaper as he drank his morning coffee. The smell of newsprint complemented the earthy dark bean brew. He paid a premium subscription rate to have a paper copy delivered to his front doorstep. Like the good ol’ days. He sipped from his pottery mug and perused the weekly paper. An advertisement in the form of an article caught his interest:

“Rose Wilder, daughter and heiress of the late self-made millionaire, Bill Wilder (Wild Bill’s Best Bargain Emporium), has been making people’s dreams come true since 2036.

With timeless elegance and temporal flair, the lady entrepreneur of Wilder Rides sells retro time machines and personal spacecraft to suit anyone’s taste or budget.

If you’re an old soul with an appreciation for classic beauties like this two-seater, chrome-plated convertible 1957 Thunderbird, in stunning Star Mist Blue, then Rose has a deal for you. It comes standard with a 5.1-liter V8 producing 245 horsepower. You will be comfortably transported to the late 1950s, when new ideas in fashion, and music (like Doo Wop and Rock-n-Roll) emerged. The 1950s were a time when young people could actually enjoy being young without having to grow up too quickly. Wilder Rides blows off the competition with this cool cat. Come check it out, Daddy-O!

That’s Boss! If your tastes run along the wild side, then Rose has just the machine for you. Meet the Beast, a 1969 Boss 429 Mustang. This 375 horsepower V8 was designed for racing and will clean the Space Fuzz’s clock. Push the boundaries of time and space like Brando and Dean. Quit bench racing, get bookin’. This Bad Boy is on sale for a limited time only – yes, that’s a joke! If you hurry, you can join Buzz and Neil for their first moonwalk. Available in Raven Black or Royal Maroon. Outta sight, Man!

Funky flash back! Can you dig it? Some would say the 1970s era muscle cars were the last of the true hot rods. Feel the funk and beat the drag with this bitch’n ’71 Dodge Super Bee. It’s got a three-speed floor shifter, and small block Magnum V8 that will knock your girlfriend’s socks off. Available in Plum Crazy or Top Banana. Buzz the Space Fuzz with this Bee.

If big hair, padded shoulders, Pac-Man and Alf make you feel nostalgic, then perhaps a spin in a turbocharged Trans AM will fluff your Aqua Net tresses. This barn find was lovingly restored and modified with a worm hole stabilizer and will withstand ultra-high levels of radiation. It comes equipped with a 3.8 liter V6 and has a lusty appetite for asphalt, worm holes and Motley Crew.

There are many more deals to be had, Folks, so come on down to Wilder Rides for our Golden Conjunction Celebration 8/9/2040.

It will be a day of old-fashioned family fun, including face-painting and balloon animals for the kiddos, free sodas and Cosmic Curly Fries.

Michael J. Fox will be on location signing autographs. Rose is giving away free rose-colored sunglasses with every purchase of a classic time-machine.”

Morris viewed the empty place-setting across the table. He missed his wife’s poofy hair. He’d always wanted to see AC/DC. A Camaro would be cool.