Author: DJ Lunan
For centuries clever clever men have sought in vain to authenticate the future invention of time travel.
But I have proof. Laura is a seven-foot partially invisible time traveller from 3031 zip-tied to a hairdresser’s chair in a flat above a carpet shop in the centre of Mechelen in northern Belgium. Take that scientists! Out-futured by a clever woman!
“Time travellers will be drawn to major historical events, like assassinations, secrets, Treaties and miracles – one challenge being we don’t typically know when these will happen” mused Hawking.
“Cracking the fourth dimension is so many millennia away, we would need to be super-lucky to catch futurists in the act of observing us men living now”, speculated Einstein.
“My first stop would be the World Cup Final in 1962, to see Brazil defend their title and watch the game with Pelé”, chimed Coelho.
“Once we have computing power to analyse every photograph ever taken, and document every moment, we shall spot men time travelling throughout history”, contemplated Clarke.
Hopeless, hapless men. Hampered by their first assumption – that time travellers would be men.
By understanding the foundation of their failure, I designed my trap and caught Laura.
‘Sexiest Man Alive of all Times. Pleasures and cleans in silence. Available one night only. Crack this code to find my location’
“How could you know?”, Laura demanded in ‘Norwegian (parochial)’ according to my TranslVoi App.
“We are weak mammals” I answer sagely.
“But I am not weak, I was just intrigued…by the code.”, Laura retorted deflated.
Wearing cloaking technology head-to-toe, Laura had walked unnoticed through history thanks to the Time Travel device fixed to her waist. She had stood next to Cleopatra and watched slaves build temples, followed Wollstonecraft across Europe on a speaking tour on women’s rights, and sat in awe as Thatcher bullied, harried and outwitted her men-only Cabinet.
“OK, I admit it, I had a day off, and permitted one free near-time destination. I was just looking for some fun before I move into 2020”, she confessed.
Laura was both multi-coloured and transparent. My paint trap and explosion had caught her down one side only after she kicked in the door, expecting some clean silent fun. One side of her remained transparent. It took all my strength to leverage Laura into the chair. She dripped paint in large spectral splashes over the concrete floor.
“What do you want, Trapper?” she demanded.
“I want to prove two things – that time travellers is possible, and that time travellers are female.”
Laura half-beamed. “Well done!”
“I will trade you something for my release. Do you know what historical event will occur on the 8th December 2020?” was Laura’s gambit.
“Do I want to know?”, I retort.
Half of Laura ruefully smiled. “Yes! It’s a time-stamp of huge significance. The USA elects its first female President. And she is shot the following day. It’s my next destination, to uncover the enduring mystery of who and why.”
“That’s intriguing, but utterly bereft of evidence or proof. Indeed, it’s what any time traveller would say!” I reply.
“President Melania is more, she heralds the end of patriarchy, survives two more assassination attempts, by old men, during three terms of office.”
“Prove it”, I challenge.
“I’m here. I’ve proved your hunch. The future is female dominated, starting very very soon. By my time, we only use men for pleasure and of course menial service. Your prescient advert could be from my time.”
“Thanks, I designed it to attract strong, taller, tech-savvy female time traveller”.
“Mwuh-mmm. ‘Pleasures and cleans in silence’. The perfect future man!”.
We both giggle as I snip the zip-ties.