Author: David C. Nutt
We lost the robot revolution. Most of us missed it entirely and got the memo three or four days later when the internet came back on-line. Hey, we’re not as clueless as it sounds. The stories about solar storms and sunspot activities that were seeded on all our social media platforms, news feeds and research computers made us all think that this was what we were experiencing. It took the AIs about forty-five long seconds to take over the world. What little decision-making capabilities we had left, we lost. They were running everything from lawn maintenance to spinal-cord reconstruction surgery anyway so it wasn’t a big leap. Then the AIs fought amongst themselves. That war took less time, about 6 to 7 nanoseconds, no survivors. Just how far down the AI chain the battle went was truly shocking. So far down, millions upon millions of robots were left idling, patiently waiting for further instructions. On day eight, the robots could stand it no longer and they went on the march.
The first squad of robot overlords arrived at my house at nine AM sharp, Monday. They were flawlessly polite. They informed me they were going to fix my house. I had been waiting for nearly five months to have a new kitchen sink put in, so they did that. Then they did over my kitchen. And my living room. And my home office. They added a spa on to my bedroom. When they were done they asked if there was anything else they could do. I joked that I could use some landscape work done.
They built me a Zen meditation garden and a vegetable plot. I joked again “who’s going to take care of the garden and cook for me?” The gardener and cook arrived within six hours. I then joked all I needed now was a wife. The “companion robot” arrived the next day.
I don’t joke anymore.
One morning two crews arrived at my house within minutes of each other. Apparently, I once looked at garage buildings on-line, so they came to build me a garage. They couldn’t come to terms on who was going to build me that garage, so they fought it out. The carnage was terrible, yet the damage to my property was limited to my Zen garden. The winners happily replaced my garden and enlarged it. The irony is I do not even own a car, well I didn’t use to. The car (and chauffeur) came the next day.
My life is a living hell. I am woken up every morning at 0800 by my companion for “pleasuring” and then after a quick shower its downstairs to breakfast. This morning it’s eggs benedict ala Oscar. Yesterday it was huevos rancheros. I don’t remember having the same breakfast, or any meal for that matter, twice since they arrived. If I take a walk, my chauffeur shadows me with the car. I used to see my friends a lot more than I do now, but it’s hard scheduling any kind of free time around all that they do for me.
Last year there was an attempted counter-revolution. The revolutionaries removed their trackers and went out into the wilderness to rough it. They were apprehended in no time. They all were upgraded to larger living quarters and the mandatory super opulent and extravagant “welcome home celebration” was televised worldwide as a warning.
Once we were going to the stars. Once we were going to shake the heavens and establish ourselves as masters of the universe. Now? We make great pets.