Author: Joshua Fagan
To the human who found my spaceship:
I am sorry the front door was locked, but the open house does not start until tomorrow. You’re free to come back then, and in fact, I encourage you to do so. I have an offer to make you.
Living out of a spaceship gets very boring very quickly. I hoped someone would offer to buy my spaceship, but there have been no offers yet. Maybe I should have tried a different way of communicating. Do humans still use radios? I’m not sure.
The spaceship has three and one-third bedrooms and two bathrooms. It has a nice library, though I doubt you could read any of the books unless you have a universal translator. There is a big kitchen where you can cook all your favorite meals, and there is even a gym, though I don’t recommend swimming in the pool. Humans can get radiation poisoning, right?
There is a top deck where you can sunbathe, and included with the spaceship is a cabinet full of sunscreen. It’s about SPF 1000. Sorry if that is a bit high. Our species is not used to the rays given off by your star. While you’re sunbathing, you can read one of the sixty-three magazines I bought for human reading pleasure. I hope they are to your liking, though I do not yet comprehend the purpose of the ones featuring humans in strange uniforms wearing helmets and carrying strange oblong balls.
The electricity and plumbing work. There are no known issues of system failure, except for the malfunction that caused me to crash-land here in the first place, but unless you are planning to start the spaceship’s engine (which I do not recommend, as it has a twenty-five percent chance of igniting the largest supervolcano on your planet), the only thing you will need to know is how to operate a fusion reactor. It is fairly straightforward, so I assume you know how to do it. In case you don’t, there are instructions on the front table. There are only fifty-two and a half steps. Enjoy!
Since I will no longer be using this spaceship, I will disguise myself as one of you. I hope this suggestion does not offend you, but I believe it is the best way to avoid detection. My new life will be on the coast, so I have considered it most optimal to disguise myself as a classic seafarer. However, the human media I have consumed suggests the disguise will not be complete unless I have a wooden leg and an exotic talking parrot. Do you know where such accouterments can be located?
Come back tomorrow if you’re interested! The spaceship could be yours for the price of 4.56*10^7 poldoas, or about $99.99. If that price is excessive, I am open to negotiation.
The owner of the spaceship