Author: Nigel Anthony Sellars
Aliens Announce End to Abductions
ROSWELL, NM (ICUP)-In a stunning announcement today, the leaders of an interplanetary organization that kidnaps humans and subjects them to high colonic examinations said it was ceasing such kidnappings permanently.
The three members of the Alien Abduction and Anal Probing Society said their organization has finished its research on the human digestive system and human waste products.
“To tell the truth, we’re just tired of this shit,” said Sub-Commander Xjpfttt. “I think we know more than enough about emotionally disturbed people’s poop.”
“Plus the smell it leaves in our spaceships,” added Double Ensign Msrwffty. “You just can’t get it out of the ventilation system once it’s in there. Bleach, enzymes, radiation-nothing works. We had to sell three perfectly good space skimmers for spare parts.”
Quasi-lieutenant Vern Yahhhtgpr, who otherwise remained quiet during the press conference, nodded in agreement and held the portion of his face where a nose normally would be located.
Sub-Commander Xjpfttt explained that his race has been investigating the earth since the end of World War II after one of their vessels accidentally fell into a naked singularity near the Crab Nebula. The aliens (whose name is unpronounceable by humans but sounds like a washing machine undergoing catastrophic failure) said they initially chose lonely, isolated, and unimaginative individuals as subjects, believing them to be less than credible witnesses when they described their experiences to other humans.
“Frankly, we had no idea that it would become a growth industry,” Xjpfttt added. “What is it with you people? You take the ramblings of nitwits and either make them into multi-millionaire dollar industries or religions.”
“I mean, just look at this Pat Robertson being or feng shui,” Msrwffty said. “Are you folks really that gullible or are you just stupid?”
Sub-Commander Xjpfttt then explained that abductions of humans was initially unintentional and began when one vessel tried to offer assistance to a stranded couple whose car had broken down between Bangor, Maine, and the Canadian border. One of the pair asked to use the restroom, with the inevitable result. “Let’s just say the lady later asked if we had something called ‘K-O-Pecked 8’ onboard. We had no idea what she was talking about. In retrospect, I now wish we had.”
The crew had to cloud the minds of the couple, the sub-commander added, while the spaceship crew had to be decontaminated and undergo counseling. “Our scientists believed you had a potent biological weapon and decided we needed to study it.
Scientists on their homeworld then began demanding samples to determine just how it was a race could produce such potent methane emitting waste.
Sub-Commander Xjpfttt concluded the press conference by announcing that while abductions and close encounters would not be resumed, his race would continue probing Earth’s defenses for weak spots and would occasionally buzz bass fishermen in Mississippi because it was fun.
The U.S. Air Force had no comment on the press conference, but a government spokesman, speaking from an undisclosed area somewhere in the Nevada desert, said researchers had discovered a mass of hot air and swamp gas in the Roswell area, which they attributed it to a convention of right-wing talk radio hosts at the local Super 8. Motel.
We will provide further details as they are received.