Author: Abigail Hughes

“What did you think?”

“He’s nice.”

“Nice? The bar was ‘nice.’ This walk is ‘nice.’ Denver is perfect. When he told me he was single, I was absolutely floored! You don’t run into a guy like him often. Did you see the way he inhaled that live goat? That was incredible!”

“If you say so.”

“Don’t tell me you’re not interested.”


“Are you serious!?”

“Let’s talk about this later.”

“No way, we’re going to talk about it now, in the middle of the sidewalk, like adults! Denver is perfect for you!”

“Denver has twelve eyes and a gaping, toothy, hole in the center of his body.”

“I knew you were going to bring that up.”

“Yeah, it seems like something I should have known going into this.”

“He has such an electric personality, I didn’t think that it was important.”

“Electric!? Dude, we’re talking about him right now, in front of his face, and he’s not even blinking. Does he ever do anything other than roll his eyes back in his head and spew toxic waste?”

“It’s not his fault that the new plant opened a few blocks from his apartment.”

“I’m not suggesting that it is, I only meant-”

“Radioactive mutants can live totally normal and full lives. Raise families. Hold careers. Read minds. Lift over twenty times their weight. They’re just like you and I.”

“Except they’re rotten.”


“What’s the difference!? Alright, look. Denver, I had a great night. Thank you for your time. Uhh, I’m going to take that groan as some kind of affirmative response and order a ride home.”

“No you’re not! Wait here Denver, I’m going to have a word with my friend in private.”

“Let go of me! You know I hate being dragged around. Oh, great, you tore my sweatshirt. Why are you looking at me like that?”

“What’s this really about?”

“It can’t be that hard for you to believe that this is “really about” the fact that you thought I would be interested in dating someone so severely mutated.”
“We’re all mutated!”

“Yeah, a little! I have a few tentacles and you have an extra mouth. Our flesh isn’t literally melting off of the bone.”

“Jennifer had a tentacle too, didn’t she? Replaced it with a robotic arm when she turned eighteen. You helped pay for it with your Burger Planet job if I remember correctly.”

“That has nothing to do with this.”

“Yes it does. We both know that this is about Jennifer.”

“I’m leaving for real now.”

“She chose cybernetics, you didn’t, and she left. Big deal. It happens every day.”

“I’m not listening to you.”

“You were with her for five years. That’s a long time. It’s going to impact you.”
“Man, how hard is it to get a rideshare in this city?”

“You haven’t been the same since you two split up. The only time I have been able to contact you is on the Ether Box, and even then you don’t use your own avatar skin. You use Jens. It’s creepy.”

“Awesome, a driver is only three minutes away in a Red Hovercar.”
“You guys had a long, long, history, and that’s going to take forever to build with someone else – but it’s possible. In fact, it’s normal. It’s healthy! Nobody stays with their high school sweetheart, especially when one becomes a heartless android.”

“Do you see a Red Hovercar? Oh, there’s one! Wait, no, that’s just a Fire Bot.”
“Look at me! Jennifer is gone and the left side of her brain isn’t coming back. The minute she replaced it with a brain drive, she found you an objectively poor match. That’s just science, dude. No, don’t you dare start crying! I’m not going to let you ruin a good thing just because you can’t get your head out of your ink sack. If I did, I wouldn’t be a good friend.”

“Ah, here it is. I’m sorry, I’m just not ready. I’ll see you on the Ether- agh! Did you just push me!?”

“Only because I love you. Now stay down. If you make me kick my best friend in the face I’ll never forgive you. Robo-driver, Change the coordinates to Accutane Avenue and step on it!”

“Hold up, no! Come back! Oh, great. They’re gone. . . I guess I’ll walk home. Thanks for helping me up, Denver. You can, uh, let go of my hand now. Wait, what are you pushing out of your open stomach? That’s not – is that a miniature replica of organic rights activist Dr. Hobbs? For me? Wow. It’s gorgeous and, well, kind of sticky. It looks like it was made of ivory. Wait a minute, the goat! You made this out of that goat you ate at the bar! How did you know I was interested in organic activism? You were listening during dinner. Obviously, yeah. Ugh, I’ve been a real jerk tonight. Thank you, Denver. I had a great time. Wait, actually, you don’t have to let go of my hand. . . walk me home?”