Author: Bill Cox

I know this probably isn’t the best time from your point of view, but if I didn’t tell someone every now and again then I think I would lose it altogether.

Anyway, if you’re a gamer like me, then you know how it goes. You get to a particular point in the game and you just can’t get past it. Maybe it’s a platform game where you can’t beat a particular boss, or perhaps a first-person shooter where the enemies always overwhelm you. Obviously, there is a solution but you just can’t find it. Frustration builds as attempt after attempt ends in failure and you find yourself in the wee small hours screaming obscenities and throwing the controller at the TV set.

So that’s where I am; unable to discover the way forward, resetting to a new life each time. I know you’re probably too busy trying to stem the flow of blood to listen to me, but you shouldn’t try too hard. I’m going to die anyway. And so, I’m sorry to inform you, are you.

How, you ask? Well, you eggheads at CERN have managed to design an experiment that will, unintentionally, condense the Higgs field into an anti-matter black hole that simultaneously explodes and implodes the whole planet, ripping the obligatory hole in the Space-Time continuum. This, in turn, creates a time loop where, due to an unenviable case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, I’m the one that collapses the wave function. In layman’s terms, I’m the guy that gets to look inside Schrödinger’s box to see if the cat is alive or dead. Except the cat is the Earth and it always goes suckity-boom.

Now, I know that as far as you are concerned, I’m just the janitor here, but I’ve had a serious amount of time to investigate and understand the esoteric physics of the event – time loop, remember? At this point I’m probably the smartest person at CERN. And I also know how to unblock a toilet.

So, to summarise, your admirable efforts at first aid are not going to save me but you shouldn’t beat yourself up about it. Obviously trying to disrupt the initiation laser wasn’t a good idea, as this large hole in my torso demonstrates. Note to self – try something else next time!

Ah well, back to the drawing board. Looking past your concerned faces, I can see the gravitational distortions starting to take effect. Shortly we’ll all be introduced to the business end of a mini black hole, which tends to be a bit of a crushing experience. Then everything will reset once more. I’m going to keep at it though. There has to be a solution that breaks the time loop and saves the planet. There must be a way!

There must be a…

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