Author: Graham Mossman
I loved Afterfone when I was alive, but now I curse the jackass who invented it. They started by calling their dead friends and family, but then they realised that by building in a universal translator, they could call all kinds of interesting people from history. It was a huge hit, and that jackass became a billionaire.
I read in a newspaper poll (when I was alive and reading) that the most popular day to use an Afterfone was Halloween, and the most called person was Hitler. I’ve no idea whether the callers were haters or admirers, but either way, Adolf does not get any peace in the afterlife. It’s not torture like you’d see in paintings of hell, but it is relentlessly unpleasant. It’s like when you’re on a long flight trying to get some sleep, and the guy next to you keeps waking you up to tell you his life story. You just want to be left alone to rest in peace, but there’s always someone nudging you awake, wanting to chat.
I’m told Hitler is still Number One these days, but with three million calls in the year since I died, I’m now in the top ten, sandwiched between Mother Teresa and the Marquis de Sade.
Why so popular?
Because I was that billionaire jackass who invented the Afterfone.