Martians is Lazy

Author: David Henson

My daughter is marrying a goddam Martian. They’ll probably end up living with me and Edith ‘cause he’ll never hold down a steady job. Martians is lazy. Just ‘cause Mars was the first to be terraformed, they think they shouldn’t have to work, that everything should be given to them because of the hardships in the early days. That was a long time ago. Get over it.

“Edith, doesn’t Sally have that dress on yet?”

Of course, my daughter’s trying on the most expensive wedding gown in the shoppe. She’s worth it though. Sally’s a good daughter. Even if she’s marrying a goddam Martian. At least she didn’t fall for a Mercurian. Vainest bastards there ever was. As long as they got a perfect tan, they don’t care about nothing else.

“Edith! Sally? Get a hurry-on. We’ve still got to go make arrangements with the minister.” I suppose I’ll have to give him a big tip. I never knew a Venusian that wasn’t a money grubber.

The reception’s the thing though. Gonna cost a fortune. That’s ok. Nothing but the best for my little girl. We’re even having Europans do the catering. Great chefs, the whole lot of them. And the bartenders are Saturnian. If things get dull, they’ll know how to put on a show. Singing and dancing are in their blood. Never seen anything like it. Don’t want them mingling with the guests though. I wonder if we ought to have a bouncer? A few of Sally’s friends are Plutonians. Everybody knows they can’t hold their liquor. I’ll get somebody from Jupiter. They’re good fighters.

“There you are finally…. How do you look? You look beautiful, Sweetie. That Martian doesn’t deserve you…. Yes, Edith, I know the Martian has a name…. Sally, if that’s the dress you want, you can have it; we want you to be happy….Yes, I’m sure we can afford it. I’ve got a Neptunian stockbroker. You know how good they are with money.”

Speaking of wedding clothes, I’ll have to get my tux altered. Too bad the only good tailors are from Uranus. They’re all assholes.

I guess it won’t be so bad if Sally and the Martian live with us. At least Edith and I won’t have to leave earth to see them. Earthlings — us you can trust. Except for the left-handers. Shifty bastards.

5 Comments

  1. Jatayu

    I really enjoyed reading this. Carroll O’Conner would be proud of you 🙂

  2. xdhz8

    Thanks for your comments.
    — David H.

  3. cmh8133

    Not big on the cursing but I presume this was an American. And I was pleased to read that he disliked all non-earth people. A completest-bigot!

    Funny this story came out today.
    I was just relating to a co-work a sci-fi satire written in the 60’s during the civil rights period about Martians landing on earth and 12 hours later the plethora of anti-Martian jokes that were being told.
    Myself…not many earthers I trust.

  4. Jae

    That made me chuckle and made me sad.

  5. SimonJM

    Not by chance the Latin for left is sinister … 😉 A bit overdone, but well done for avoiding religion!

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