Author: Mark Joseph Kevlock

We came to their planet to study them. But we found their understanding of the universal mechanisms to be shockingly limited. We’ve managed to locate only one man, thus far, among billions, who possesses any true grasp of the situation. His name is Dexter Collig. The following enclosed report is a portion of his neuro-transmissions, gathered on a typical day:
“Stupid alarm clock always plays a lousy song. I swear that snooze button gyps me out of a whole minute every time I press it. The day’s against me. I can feel it already. House is too cold. That heat never comes on when I need it. Why don’t I throw this razor out, if it keeps cutting me? Jesus, what did I eat last night? Any food I like never agrees with me. The shower takes forever to warm up. Let’s see what the cabinet has inside for breakfast. Nothing, nothing, and nothing. Thanks a lot.”
You will note subject Dexter Collig’s continual insistence upon blaming every physical object he encounters, denoting a wisdom regarding reality construction, that other members of his species appear to lack. The report continues:
“This engine never starts on the first try. If anything worked around here, I wouldn’t always be late. Freeway’s crowded with cars, like it’s out to get me. Here comes that ugly stretch of highway that makes me depressed every morning. Why does the sun have to come up right there between those mountain peaks, right at this particular moment, and shine right into my eyes? Damn sun. Damn weather has been lousy all week.”

The rest of our report demonstrates an unwavering consistency in Dexter Collig’s expressed attitudes. We would suggest that this subject be picked up immediately so that we might more quickly understand the source of his wisdom. Please advise. Senior Researcher, Jezz Trumble.
Reply from: Ministry of Galactic Relations.
Subject: Earthling Dexter Collig.
Permission to interview: Granted.
We abducted D. Collig from his shower stall at 7:32 a.m., Earthtime, by use of the phanto-ray. A transcript of our interview with him is here provided:

“Mr. Collig, do you know where you are?”
D. Collig: “What the hell happened? Where are my pants!”
Fast-forwarding to relevant portion…
“How is it, Dexter Collig, that you come by this extraordinary wisdom, daily expressed?”
“You understand the nature of reality far better than any of your fellows.”
“It must have been those six slices of pizza I had last night, giving me this nightmare….”
“Not at all, D. Collig. Although your ability to pinpoint each source of stress hampering your existence fascinates us no end.”
“Yeah. I throw a lot of blame around. So what?”
“You accuse physical objects of working against you.”
“Because they are!”
“We know.”
D. Collig here expresses great surprise.
“You mean, I’m right? The world is out to get me?”
“Of course it is, Dexter Collig. Because you made the world. And that is the world you made.”
“Reality is built upon one’s expectations. It complies with belief, deep down in its sub-physical layers, where your thoughtrons interact with elementary components to create matter.”
D. Collig: “I’m like a god, then….”
“Yes, Mr. Collig. If a red light turns against you, it is because you believed it would. And so, naturally, that red light is to blame.”
D. Collig, pleased with himself: “I’ve been right all along!”
“You lend us hope, D. Collig, for the rest of your species.”
Subject was returned to shower stall at 7:39 a.m., Earthtime. Slipped and hit his head against glass door.
Blamed soap.


  1. Jae

    Not sure about this, but, credit where credit is due: the last three sentences are perfect.

  2. SimonJM

    Loved the last couple of lines. And it explains a lot … 😉

  3. Jatayu

    That was hilarious 🙂
    Nice presentation of a universal truth

    • mina

      Very funny but I wouldn’t want to live with Dexter 🙂

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