Blame

Author: Mark Joseph Kevlock

We came to their planet to study them. But we found their understanding of the universal mechanisms to be shockingly limited. We’ve managed to locate only one man, thus far, among billions, who possesses any true grasp of the situation. His name is Dexter Collig. The following enclosed report is a portion of his neuro-transmissions, gathered on a typical day:
“Stupid alarm clock always plays a lousy song. I swear that snooze button gyps me out of a whole minute every time I press it. The day’s against me. I can feel it already. House is too cold. That heat never comes on when I need it. Why don’t I throw this razor out, if it keeps cutting me? Jesus, what did I eat last night? Any food I like never agrees with me. The shower takes forever to warm up. Let’s see what the cabinet has inside for breakfast. Nothing, nothing, and nothing. Thanks a lot.”
You will note subject Dexter Collig’s continual insistence upon blaming every physical object he encounters, denoting a wisdom regarding reality construction, that other members of his species appear to lack. The report continues:
“This engine never starts on the first try. If anything worked around here, I wouldn’t always be late. Freeway’s crowded with cars, like it’s out to get me. Here comes that ugly stretch of highway that makes me depressed every morning. Why does the sun have to come up right there between those mountain peaks, right at this particular moment, and shine right into my eyes? Damn sun. Damn weather has been lousy all week.”

The rest of our report demonstrates an unwavering consistency in Dexter Collig’s expressed attitudes. We would suggest that this subject be picked up immediately so that we might more quickly understand the source of his wisdom. Please advise. Senior Researcher, Jezz Trumble.
Reply from: Ministry of Galactic Relations.
Subject: Earthling Dexter Collig.
Permission to interview: Granted.
We abducted D. Collig from his shower stall at 7:32 a.m., Earthtime, by use of the phanto-ray. A transcript of our interview with him is here provided:

“Mr. Collig, do you know where you are?”
D. Collig: “What the hell happened? Where are my pants!”
Fast-forwarding to relevant portion…
“How is it, Dexter Collig, that you come by this extraordinary wisdom, daily expressed?”
“Huh?”
“You understand the nature of reality far better than any of your fellows.”
“It must have been those six slices of pizza I had last night, giving me this nightmare….”
“Not at all, D. Collig. Although your ability to pinpoint each source of stress hampering your existence fascinates us no end.”
“Yeah. I throw a lot of blame around. So what?”
“You accuse physical objects of working against you.”
“Because they are!”
“We know.”
D. Collig here expresses great surprise.
“You mean, I’m right? The world is out to get me?”
“Of course it is, Dexter Collig. Because you made the world. And that is the world you made.”
“Huh?”
“Reality is built upon one’s expectations. It complies with belief, deep down in its sub-physical layers, where your thoughtrons interact with elementary components to create matter.”
D. Collig: “I’m like a god, then….”
“Yes, Mr. Collig. If a red light turns against you, it is because you believed it would. And so, naturally, that red light is to blame.”
D. Collig, pleased with himself: “I’ve been right all along!”
“You lend us hope, D. Collig, for the rest of your species.”
Subject was returned to shower stall at 7:39 a.m., Earthtime. Slipped and hit his head against glass door.
Blamed soap.

4 Comments

  1. Jae

    Not sure about this, but, credit where credit is due: the last three sentences are perfect.

  2. SimonJM

    Loved the last couple of lines. And it explains a lot … 😉

  3. Jatayu

    That was hilarious 🙂
    Nice presentation of a universal truth

    • mina

      Very funny but I wouldn’t want to live with Dexter 🙂

Submit a Comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Random Story :

  • Ice Rustlers

    Author : Patricia Stewart The annoying throb of the proximity …

The Past

365tomorrows launched August 1st, 2005 with the lofty goal of providing a new story every day for a year. We’ve been on the wire ever since. Our stories are a mix of those lovingly hand crafted by a talented pool of staff writers, and select stories received by submission.

The archives are deep, feel free to dive in.

Flash Fiction

"Flash fiction is fiction with its teeth bared and its claws extended, lithe and muscular with no extra fat. It pounces in the first paragraph, and if those claws aren’t embedded in the reader by the start of the second, the story began a paragraph too soon. There is no margin for error. Every word must be essential, and if it isn’t essential, it must be eliminated."

Kathy Kachelries
Founding Member

Submissions

We're open to submissions of original Science or Speculative Fiction of 600 words or less. We only accepting work which you previously haven't sold or given away the rights to. That means your work must not have been published elsewhere, either in print or on the web. When your story is accepted, you're giving us first electronic publication rights and non-exclusive subsequent publication rights. You retain ownership over your story. We are not a paying market.

Voices of Tomorrow

Voices of Tomorrow is the official podcast of 365tomorrows, with audio versions of many of the stories published here.

If you're interested in recording stories for Voices of Tomorrow, or for any other inquiries, please contact ssmith@365tomorrows.com